Category Archives: politix

holidays, politix

Asked & Answered

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Q1: Say the Joker abducted Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan, and suspended one above a shark tank using dental floss while, in a different warehouse, a slow-motion laser seemed poise to cut the other in half. Which of his professed heroes would John McCain save?

A1: “I think he would save Ronald Regan because Teddy can take care of himself and Regan would spend the entire time trying to remember the name of that diner where he had the really good chocolate chip banana pancakes” — my brother

Q2: If John McCain and Barack Obama shared a passionate, intimate moment, what would it look like?

A2: Dear lord help us:

Q3: If one candidate leaves a town hall stage after a somnolent debate, is the debate over? What if the other candidate hangs around for the encore? What if every participant suddenly wakes up, smiles, snaps pictures, gets a handshake, chats with the fellow who’s still hanging around?

A3: That’s a terrific question, my friend. Check this shit out:

Q4: What if Nora Ephron were married to either candidate?

A4: This!

McCain repeats himself way worse than Obama — “my friends,” “earmarks,” etc. — but both of them are guys we’ve been married to for a long time, and we know their stories. It’s true I had no idea that McCain learned everything he knew from a chief petty officer, but that was about the extent of the surprises he had in store for me after all these years together, and in any case, it was clearly bullshit. … If I were married to him, an unlikely scenario, we would probably have fought in the car on the way home tonight, because I told him a million times not to try to be funny, but he never listens to me.

And if I were married to Obama, another unlikely scenario but a far more attractive one, I would be driving home having a hard time not thinking about the curtains.

Q5: How would we know if ester were getting too emotionally involved in this election? If she teared up on the subway reading New Yorker endorsements and in the park seeing homeless men which brought to mind the Bradley effect? If she were about to head off to Yom Kippur services and all she could think to pray for is a satisfactory resolution on November 4?

A5: Yes, yes, and yes. G’mar hatimah tovah, everyone. Non-Hebrew speakers: that means, GObama!

comedy, politix

MOST AWESOME

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While reading this Rachel Sklar liveblog of the Colbert New Yorker festival event, I followed her instructions and decided to see if, since Colbert and Stewart just decided to expand their shows through the election, there were any tickets. And this is what happened!

We have reserved 1 tickets for you to attend a live taping of The Colbert Report on 10/14/2008. In a short time you will receive an E-Mail at [redacted] containing information on the next steps required to confirm your attendance. YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO CLICK ON THE LINK THAT WAS SENT TO YOU IN THE E-MAIL TO CONFIRM YOUR RESERVATION. If you do not confirm your reservation within 48 hours your tickets will be released.

I tried to get tickets for all of you too I swear but there was only one (1) left. Yes, I am one very lucky Rainbow Brite.

Mr. Ben and I hit up two New Yorker festival events this weekend too and they were awesome. And then, cuz we were all dressed up, we dropped in on Equus on Broadway, starring Captain Janeway, Uncle Vernon, and a naked Harry Potter. What a weekend.

debates, our sarah, politix

"What’s six times seven?" "No, stuff she knows!"

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For posterity, I wanted to capture this, from FiveThirtyEight, whose name reflects how many times I click over there every day:

Right now, on Oct 2, 2008, it’s predicting an Obama victory with 336 electoral votes. This is pre-debate, mind you.

ETA: Post-debate! Palin needs to stop winking at me. It’s disturbing. Either she wants to fuck me or she wants to fuck with me — either way, I don’t like it.

Where I grew up, and that’s Washington, D.C., and I know that’s not Scranton or Wasilla or one of them Real Places with Main Streets, so I figure that means we kill every fourth born child and roast its flesh on the National Mall as we dance around naked, flinging out feces in the direction of the Reflecting Pool and singing about how much we love corruption and hate mavericks, but where I grew up in Washington D.C. … I forget where I was going with this. Let me start again.

God bless Joe Biden. If Sarah Palin wasn’t about to fall down literally foaming at the mouth, and I knew she wasn’t, they would never let her go out there unprepared, then he had to really bring it. He had to be knowledgeable but not abstract, intelligent but not arrogant, forceful but not condescending, and he did it, he really did. Honestly, I think he did it by not watching any of those Katie Couric interviews or the fabulous Tina Fey parodies, which enabled him to go into the debate with real respect for Our Sarah.

People are going to be buzzing for a while about how she didn’t knock her own eye out or start speaking in tongues or striptease into a Betty Boop outfit. And that’s true! She didn’t! That’s why I wanted to capture this image of the map showing America swooning for Obama, because Palin is going to, I think, deliver a bounce to McCain — hopefully not the entirety of what he lost over the past couple weeks, but I think she’ll help him make back some of that ground.

When that clapping dies down, I hope everyone remembers to say, But Biden did better. and That is the man who is seasoned and capable enough to be Vice President of the United States.

politix

ludicrously

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I do not understand our current financial crisis. I do, however, understand adverbs, and Dana Milbank apparently likes them a lot, especially ones that begin with C:

Barney Frank (D-Mass.), chairman of the House banking committee, made his way into the House media gallery to face 75 reporters yesterday afternoon. … “The Endangered Species Act apparently does not apply to financial institutions,” he joked, cruelly.

He vowed, callously, that there will be “no golden parachutes while we are the owners” of Wall Street firms’ bad debts. …

He then cynically turned Paulson’s defense of the Wall Street executives upside down. “Let me defend CEOs against Hank Paulson’s attack on them,” Frank said with feigned sincerity. …

Lest adjectives feel left out, Milbank also goes hog wild with them too, describing Frank as hard-hearted, merciless, and brazen.

What is he going for here? Sarcasm? Hyperbole? Sloppy writing? I am not clear. But one thing is: Raymond Carver would not approve.

In other, more straightforward news, the Republican ticket had a big day today. Sarah Palin met with world leaders and war criminals and John McCain held his first news conference since fish flopped on land and decided to grow legs. And I am cranky because I am watching the very last, rather grim episodes of the Wire and they are giving me nightmares.

My irritation is probably nothing compared to George Will’s, though. He is one serious Grumpy Gus today: he mutters that Obama isn’t experienced but McCain is insane and only one of those problems has a possible fix. He’ll be lucky if the GOP doesn’t disappear him like they disappeared Carly Fiorina (and her golden parachute).

politix, wymyn

Say Goodnight, Fiorina

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How appropriate that in a campaign built on lies, a person can get shitcanned for telling the truth:

Asked by a St. Louis radio station whether she thought Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin could run a company like Hewlett-Packard, Fiorina responded: “No, I don’t.”

The McCain folks are pissed.

“Carly will now disappear,” this source said. “Senator McCain was furious.” Asked to define “disappear,” this source said, adding that she would be off TV for a while …

Fiorina was booked for several TV interviews over the next few days, including one on CNN. Those interviews have been canceled.

No $50 million golden parachute on this ride down, I guess. But who will cry sexism on Palin’s behalf now?

What’s so frustrating is OF COURSE none of these political contenders could run a major corporation. That’s not what they’ve trained to do. Even George W., who *had* an MBA, couldn’t helm Hewlett-Packard. But putting Sarah “Bush in a Skirt” Palin in office would be worse than average, an awful lot like putting Norville Barnes in charge of Hudsucker Industries. Except that Norville Barnes was authentically a nice guy, not someone who fired her enemies and appointed old high school friends with no experience to run million dollar agencies.

Sarah Palin is officially Not Fun Anymore, even if she does have an action figure.

black holes, books, politix

brightening

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Wow! Both my parents are energy lawyers who have worked for the federal government off and on their whole lives, and they never had this much fun. But then, aside from Jay McInerney, and, we now know, members of the Bush administration’s Interior Department, who does?:

The report says that eight officials in the royalty program accepted gifts from energy companies whose value exceeded limits set by ethics rules — including golf, ski and paintball outings; meals and drinks; and tickets to a Toby Keith concert, a Houston Texans football game and a Colorado Rockies baseball game.

The investigation also concluded that several of the officials “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives.”

The investigation separately found that the program’s manager mixed official and personal business. In sometimes lurid detail, the report also accuses him of having intimate relations with two subordinates, one of whom regularly sold him cocaine.

The culture of the organization “appeared to be devoid of both the ethical standards and internal controls sufficient to protect the integrity of this vital revenue-producing program,” one report said.

The sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives sound particularly enticing, don’t they? Also the paintball outings, because god knows they’re hard to come by.

I am trying to be in a better mood about things. The oh-so-wise Gail Collins is telling me to be, for one. Also, contrary to expectations, Rushdie’s entertaining but narratively muddled Enchantress of Florence was not even shortlisted for the Booker this year, which means all status quos change eventually. AND the Large Hadron Collider succeeded in creating a small black hole but not in destroying the world. This feels like a good thing right now, although ask me again if McCain/Palin are elected.

NOTE: Do you ever think about the fact that life could end suddenly, in a flash, depriving all the religions of the world of ever knowing whether they were right?

politix, positive thinking, wail

glum.

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The events of the past couple weeks have been dragging me down bit by bit, especially as we near the end of my favorite season:

I am scanning the horizon for mermaids or bright spots, anything that might cheer me up:

  • The New Yorker Festival. I’m on Year 5 in the city and I’ve never managed to get to one of these events. Will this be the year?
  • Unigo launches tomorrow, 9/9! This is it, folks, the real deal, the website I’ve been helping conjure out of the ether for the past eight months: The next medium-sized thing. Tell your friends.
  • “America’s Next Top Model”

Honestly, I can’t think of other specifics. There has to be something to look forward to! Please, Send Help.

ETA: Gawker mocks my pain and friends email me reassurance. Already I feel somewhat better. Thanks, pals and blogs!

politix

Sarah, Palin and Tall

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The Mommy Wars rage on around and about Sarah Palin, yesterday’s Bold, Maverick Choice and tomorrow’s Harriet Miers:

“When I first heard about Palin, I was impressed,” said Pamela Moore, a mother of two from Birmingham, Ala. But upon reading that Ms. Palin’s special-needs child was three days old when she went back to work, Ms. Moore began questioning the governor’s judgment. Partly as a result, she plans to vote for Senator Barack Obama. …

Her thoughts were echoed by some Republicans, including Anne Faircloth, daughter of former Senator Lauch Faircloth of North Carolina. Being a governor is one thing, Ms. Faircloth said, and Ms. Palin’s husband, Todd, seems like a supportive spouse. “But running for the second-highest office in the land is a very different kettle of fish,” she said.

Many women expressed incredulity — some of it polite, some angry — that Ms. Palin would pursue the vice presidency given her younger son’s age and condition. Infants with Down syndrome often need special care in the first years of life: extra tests, physical therapy, even surgery.

Sarah Robertson, a mother of four from Kennebunk, Me., who was one of the few evangelical Christians interviewed to criticize Ms. Palin, said: “A mother of a 4-month-old infant with Down syndrome taking up full-time campaigning? Not my value set.”

What a thankless job it is, in America, to be a woman in the public eye making decisions about family. And what a thankless job it is, as well, to be the vice president of a man who lets the press know you were his third choice because he wasn’t allowed to ask out either of his preferred dates. How tacky is that? John, will you keep your aides in order, please? They’re embarrassing both you and your “soul mate.”

The GOP has suddenly become the party of drama, of chick flicks and Lifetime movies. Good for them for defending the ability of women to raise children and have jobs, at least. And good for them for being able to change their tune so fast! The opinion-makers were far less happy about the idea of Palin before the decision was made, according to this hilariously off-message Fox News clip.

While we’re on the subject, good for Obama for refusing to engage with this tawdriness and pointing out his mother was only 18 when he was born. Truth be told, Obama doesn’t have to do much except keep campaigning and keep Biden from putting his oh-so-tasty foot in his mouth. And Biden’s doing pretty well so far:

If Sen. Joe Biden was hurt that Republican operative Karl Rove called him a “big blowhard doofus” at an event in Minneapolis Monday, he didn’t show it. On hearing the news, Biden grinned and said “he’s a great American.” … A reporter asked if the senator would now answer to “Senator Doofus.” “You can call me anything you want,” he said. “I learned a long time ago you can call me anything you want.”

Oh, I hope the rest of the campaign continues to be chock full of vituperative mothers-in-law and fake blog entries about Foreign Policy that end, “In conclusion, Foreign Policy is a complex but fascinating topic.” Please, Election 2008, tell me you’re not done entertaining us yet.

politix

Also, Remember This?

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On a day when Obama prepares to speak again, let’s all take a moment and review where we were four years ago, when a state senator for Illinois ascended the national stage for the first time.

Four years ago, when that speech first blew my mind, I had just begun working at what I like to call the Very Important Talent Agency, a place where I was sworn at, berated, objectified, and sexually harassed, and generally introduced to the “real world.” Although we peons were encouraged not to let a lunch break distract us from our ten-hour days, I would sometimes slip out for some stabilizing fresh air.

On one of those days, which coincided with the Republican National Convention’s takeover of NYC, I had the good fortune to be hit on by an aging delegate:

i was eating lunch in an outdoor plaza and a delegate (complete with cowboy hat — they seemed to come standard) started a conversation. his mother sat next to him, spilling things on her blouse and sometimes chiming in.

… him: so where are you from?
me: dc
his mother: she’s from new york, of course.
him: no, mom, she’s from washington.
his mother: ohhh. (clear implication: if there’s any place worse than new york …)
him: so what’s your name?
me: ester.
him: that’s a great name.
me: it’s a little old-fashioned.
him: i like old-fashioned women.
his mother: [spills something on herself]

And, to keep injecting sex into this political conversation, here’s Rude Pundit’s totally obscene take on the Convention so far. Enjoy.

politix, psycho-drama

A Country Song

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I had to agree with George Stephanopolous about the DNC stage: gross. Barack Obama’s head appearing in that screen, framed by neon lights, made him look like he was inside a jukebox, some kind of alien warlord informing a fifties diner that he is going to attack.

But that’s my only complaint. Ted Kennedy looked even stronger last night than he had the last time I saw him, speaking at my little brother’s high school graduation. How can you not go all mushy and sentimental when you hear him he say, “I promise you, I will be on that Senate floor on January 5”? Remember to factor in that you have your period in this scenario, with hormones coming out your eyes. Okay, go.

Michelle, meanwhile, is a goddess, and her brother is adorable. You don’t get to see that kind of close sibling relationship too often; the narratives of Father-Son, Mother-Daughter, Parent-Child, or Feuding Siblings take up too much space. And, of course, with this convention, the narrative of the Clintons Hate Obama but Love the Kennedies who Love Obama. It’s a country song!

God, I’m tired of thinking and hearing about Clinton and her disgruntled, spiteful supporters. It’s like no one ever lost a primary before. “It is a fact that millions of Americans voted for Mrs. Clinton this year,” acknowledges the NYT. Well done, factcheckers! Millions of people also voted for Jesse Jackson when he ran, but you didn’t see him hosting cry-ins about not making it to the White House.

Silver medal, Hillary! It’s not so bad! Other fabulous women have had to settle for silver. Try to do it with some grace.

Meanwhile, in *actual* drama, four people have been arrested for plotting an assassination:

The police said they had found two rifles, one with a scope, in the car, along with walkie-talkies, a bulletproof vest and licenses in the names of other people.

And enough meth to power ten long-haul truck drivers.

Luckily we’re being prayed for: the DNC even has an official prayer guy! And Tara Leigh knows him! Because apparently the world of Christians who are willing to chill with Democrats is very, very small.