My favorite spam-fax from the Westboro Baptist Church is all about Figs. It’s also a clear rip off of Jeff Foxworthy.

“You might be a good fig if you:

• confess that Jews killed Jesus, and repent and mourn that grievous sin;
• put away your lie that God will bless you for pretending to eat kosher;
• recognize that Israel is doomed because of the Jews’ proud sin.”

More likely you are an evil fig.

“You might be an evil fig if you:

• would rather starve than eat the Bread of Life, whom you proudly crucified;
• Loudly proclaim that you’re entitled to land you stole in your disobedience;
• Are proud of the bloody butcher’s apron known as the Israeli flag.”

Until we got this sheet, I didn’t know why the sensitive and intelligent folks at the WBC chose to send the company I work for faxes everyday. (One we get frequently mentions Matthew Shepard, who it says “has been in hell these eleven years.”) Now I realize: it’s because we’re evil figs! Although I’m not sure we loudly proclaim we’re entitled to anything, or that we would turn down any free food, even the Bread of Life. Still, we meet the general requirements.

Guess what, Westboro Baptist Church? I may be an evil fig but I’ve got one up on you. Hear that whooshing sound? That’s me turning the other cheek.

Oh yes. That’s right. I FORGIVE YOU. I have out-Christianed you, and on Ash Wednesday no less. So stuff that in your fax machine. And have a nice day.