In honor of this momentous occasion, we’re having ribs.
We’re also having contradictions. Perhaps this is the Walt Whitman problem (“I am large, I contain multitudes“). Perhaps it’s just a 4th Cold Rainy Day in a Row problem (I am sulky, I am dissatisfied). Just for example:
I want to buy an apartment I want to move to Taiwan
I want to lose weight I want to love myself
I bought these shoes cuz they were cute I bought these shoes cuz they were on sale (These shoes give me blisters and I’m still wearing them)
As a know-it-all (in my case, a genetic condition) I love being asked questions. At the second seder, a little boy asked me, “Why does the clock keep going?” I shot back, “Because time keeps going.”
BOO YEAH. If you want to catch me without a reply, you’re going to have to try harder than that, you three-toothed squirt.
Sometimes, though, even I can’t come up with an answer, as in the situation below. See if you can do better.
[ex-coworker]: are you / have you been a dog owner? also hi, how are you
me: i had a dog when i was a kid
[ex-coworker]: i may as well tell you why i asked: a friend’s dog ate some condoms. her mom’s visiting. she doesnt want the dog to poop out the condoms while mom’s visiting. partly, apprently cause her mom will blame her for leaving condoms out for the dog to eat
me: … wow. well, that’s definitely not a problem i had as a kid were they wrapped?
[ex-coworker]: uh no
It is perhaps worth mentioning that I did once use a condom as a bookmark of a book my mother then asked to borrow. I handed it over without any sense of impending doom, having completely forgotten. That’s as close as I have ever come to playing Russian Roulette.