All posts by ester

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more feminist leadership training today. i’m all for it, but i realized that i’m not as cut out for the whole thing as some of the other girls are. the majority of the interns in this program are driven, mini-businesswomen or politicians: i can envision them on sunday morning talk-show panels and arguing before the senate. they have passion, they have self-assurance, they’re smart, they’re attractive in that conventional made-up stylish way.

at any rate, this is a unique experience for me. next thursday, my bday, my group is meeting w/ arlen spector and rick santorum and trying to convince them of the virtues of health care equity in the marketplace, making arguments like if insurance companies cover birth control, more women will have access to it and that will result in fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer terminations thereof [can’t use the “a word”]. so really, it’s all about family values, not to mention to ultimate financial well-being of the community. [*cough*bullshit*cough*] some statistics: for every dollar the insurance companies pay towards contraception, they and the general community saves $4 – 14 in subsequent costs (dealing w/ the pregnancy, birth, and raising of the child.)

the truth is, men’s prescription drugs are covered and it’s ridiculous that women — who earn 75 cents for every dollar a man makes anyway — have to pay 68% more out of pocket for something as simple as the pill. goddamned puritan sanctimonious prissy country …

after the program, i met nomi ilana and jamie for lunch at CA tortilla, where i’d never been. no carry-over hostility. nomi’s leaving this evening to eventually get to memphis and yoni (“i’m jealous.” “why? you always wanted to go memphis?”) annie’s leaving this weekend too, planning to try her hand at nyc karaoke. more power to her! maybe baltimore for the rest of us; probably small gathering w/ movies tonite. i’m way behind in my watching.

(side note to #32, if you’re reading this: damn i miss you. damn. i miss you.)

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in honor of nori who finally emailed me today — among other things, to comment on how weird she looks in my barneys picture. it happens to be true but i think she gives the scene character.

anyway. today was sort of slow and strange, tho it ended well. i felt curiously grape-like; then my mother served a bowl of grapes w/ my grandfather’s bday cake and i realized it might have been a distorted psychic signal. on the metro after work, a grumbly young man was ascending the escalator next to me as i was descending. when we were right next to each other, he said clearly and distinctly, “it’s your fault.” i had no idea what he was talking about, and no doubt he was right.

then fro yo w/ ilana (good)

followed by gentle chiding for having friendships that are too emotionally intense (bad? what? true?)

what does that mean? i don’t have melodramatic roller-coaster relationships w/ anyone at the moment. energy and excitement are not synonymous w/ emotional intensity, not that that’s even a bad thing. becca and i discussed the issue more while and after i drove her home. (at one point we wondered aloud what returning to skool would be like. i hypothesized that we might return to being on different wavelengths. she responded by “quoting” a typical phone conversation:

— becca: “so i went to this party –”

— ester: “so i sat in a crunchy grass skirt eating kasha w/ my vegan friends –”

that being so hilarious that i nearly fell out of my car. but to resume.)

both of us take friendships seriously. maybe, as i was told today, too seriously. i don’t know. i don’t know what i think. i also tried to create a list of possible careers and couldn’t come up w/ nearly anything except 1) advertising, or 2) writer of a) hallmark cards, b) soap operas, or c) porn scripts. rather dispiriting.

baltimore this weekend, anyone? good times good times, i promise.

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in trying to submerge my depression last nite, and just b/c, i finally got al the pics on a thumbnail page. annie gets all the credit for the scanner (thanks, annie). it’s only a start: 18 pictures. i’ll have to scan more at some point. then i’ll think about integrating them further.

talked to rick last nite for the first time in a while; we made tentative plans for this weekend. ari was going to come over and watch something but what w/ my mid-evening possibly-irrational breakdown and my recovery-thru-pagemaking, there was no time. today, after work, a woman from cbs is giving us a tour of the studio. class later. dinner in between, i guess?

i’ll have a few empty hours.

i’m reading two novels at the moment, both of which are good: a milan kundera book

called The Farewell Party, and fielding’s Tom Jones. the latter i’m reading at work; i haven’t found a paperback copy at home tho i’m sure one exists. initially i picked it up to humor/please my father, but i’m actually enjoying it.

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wow — my counter hit 100. yeehaw baby and all right. check it out for yrselves, folks.

i was on a high of sorts earlier; i’m come down since. oddly, happiness didn’t depress me, tho it is (as you’ll see) a controversial and fucked up film. todd s.’s previous attempt, welcome to the dollhouse, made me want to crawl into a cardboard box and stay in a fetal position for a couple years. this one is definitively better, i think: more interesting, more well-written, sharper, although it veers off into the range of less-believable melodrama a la requiem for a dream towards the end. at least it remains creepy throughout.

maybe i’m so used to going places, being surrounded, feeding off of the momentum that i’m feeling some withdrawal. i have to pick up my mom in twenty minutes. i fought w/ my brother this afternoon but i might write about him for my class. becca suggested my other brother, which i hadn’t thought of. i’ll probably do one or the other. i might not be able to see tamar for weeks. nomi’s leaving for a tour of the south. i don’t have plans for my bday yet, tho i’m sure things will fall into place. they just tend to.

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my hamstrings hurt, tho they would probably be worse if i hadn’t spent two hours in annie’s hottub last nite. much of that time was spent playing truth or dare — the dares were relatively modest, being as it was 12 – 2 a.m. and we were all more mindset to talk than to dance or carol or sit naked in the middle of the water or do obscene things w/ ice cubes. still, it was quality fun. the yard smelled vaguely from the n. carolina fireworks annie set up while we cowered in fear from a safe distance.

when we were thoroughly prunified, we went into the kitchen and annie sliced her father’s home-smoked salmon for us and then made us bananas enflambee. they didn’t flambee so good but my, were they tasty.

after that, we went to sleep. had to get in our four hours, yessir.

i feel pretty woozy this morning, between the yoga that ilana and i did before (an hour and a half — it was pretty intense) and the suburban bacchinalian excesses of the evening. it was worth it. lots of good food: ilana jay and i went to mama ayesha’s for lunch w/ dyannah and cindy from my office, who subsequently went to get their noses pierced.

today will be much calmer. i am going to go home, watch one (if not two) of my latest 7 rentals, sleep, and maybe return for another, shorted yoga class. (watch me end up w/ liz, liz wilkins, annie, and ilana again. not that that would be a bad thing. we function well as a group despite the fact that, as i noted, we no longer all look alike.) and i haven’t seen becca in 30 hrs or something. that must be remedied.

hey, ari finished death kit. excellent. that means i finally get it explained.

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so my lovely drop-ins yesterday proceeded to proposition me to go to annie’s house where i could scan in the pictures i’ve been meaning to add to the site. these girls waste no time. it’s exhilirating being around them, altho every once in a while i feel a pang of guilt/nostalgia for not spending my time w/ the fuelos. but i don’t hear from the fuelos as much. i remember last summer becoming irritated often b/c those girls were often busy or tired or simply couldn’t get away so we couldn’t hang out. the people i’m around most now are the people who’re around most: ilana who works here, liz, annie, becca, ari … it’s not just a matter of convenience b/c i so thoroughly enjoy their company. it still strikes me every once in a while as strange.

talked to ben last nite who delicately expressed surprise w/ how free i am in terms of what i’ve posted on my site. i don’t know, is it bad? too explicit? i can’t tell — i’m just fumbling around here, feeling my way. if anyone is ever offended, please, let me know. (i don’t mean to imply he was; it just made me think of it.) i would definitely value any input. on the poems too, folks: nothing is a final immutable draft.

mexican lunch today perhaps, then yoga, maybe movie, hopefully party in annie’s hottub. ooh baby.

quotes from yesterday: becca: “people from cornel are just like people at penn, only less happy. maybe because they drink less.”

ben: “of course i have a sense of humor, you fucking dolt!”

🙂

ah, love.

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spent this early-afternoon w/ liz at another freedom forum presentation, this one on child slavery in the ivory coast cocoa bean industry. after a panel of journalists showed their slides and discussed their findings (about 2.5 – 3% of the 600,000 family cocoa farms in the region use children who are bought and sold in various markets, then forced to work full days w/o compensation), they opened up the floor for comment. the reaction ranged from outrage from the ivorian ambassador who was, all the same, furious to see his country maligned, to the glossy flat denials of the represenatives of the chocolate industry (“we really didn’t know”) and their powerpoint solutions to the problem, to state department representatives pointing out that this is a more complex situation than we realize.

that there was controversy surprised and excited me. liz and i agreed that we had expected a pretty routine thing: after all, no one could possibly argue that slave labor, particularly of 9 – 16 yr old children, was a good thing. but a number of issues people raised were thought-provoking and liz and i walked away, mulling and discussing.

she’s also thinking of marketing her strip to publications in the area, a la alison benchel’s dykes to watch out for. she’s using wifp’s directory listing of women’s periodicals in the area. yay i get to be of service.

ahhhh people just showed up; i get to be a host again. 🙂 more later then, i guess.

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liz has never seen this journal before. she’s here now: she and ilana are splayed out on my bed, inaugurating my new real-space notebook w/ doodles. the l.a. confidential soundtrack is keeping us company. i have lovely memories associated w/ this cd.

“i need a jazz musician to just follow me around all day”

— liz

i love my friends. last nite, after a day in great falls and hanging out w/ johnny and tamar (and an aborted attempt to see godfather I + II), annie ilana ari jamie and i ended up in annie’s hottub. i nearly died. (extreme pleasure w/ me is always mentally associated w/ pain … oh dear ….) it was that awesome. then annie got out and played us folky songs on her acoustic guitar. that’s always been a dream of mine, and since she has 1) hot tub, 2) guitar, and 3) a scanner (yes! finally! pictures for my webpage!) i put my hand on her thigh like one of the old men in the bible and solemnly swore that she was my new best friend.

then jamie and ilana slept over at my house — yay floor –; then brunch; then chilling and time wastage; then becca came over, brimming w/ stories about her crazy weekend. tonite i met up w/ liz and ilana and we watched requiem for a dream and baked fat-free “no pudge fudge” (just add yogurt!) score, baby. depressing movies always make me think about the state of things. in this case, i came down w/ a sudden, unpleasant attack of self-doubt. all my old questions re: the net surfaced: isn’t it just self-indulgent? isn’t all art? shouldn’t we all be doing productive things instead of coddling our precious emotions and desires to express ourselves?

ilana says, what’s wrong w/ being self-indulgent?

i don’t have an answer for that.

they talk me out of it. i’m not really interested in being seriously depressed so the mood is easy-ish to shake off. but these are real questions and i don’t have answers yet.

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surrounded by friends (which is my preferred state of being), i just took the spark’s gay test. i started from the assumption that i was a straight female, tho another spark test informed me it was 86% sure i was a man; this one declared me 44% gay.

but i got my first ever chance to formally declare myself a feminist. it probably gave me a few extra gay points. so worth it.