i just got a breathtaking compliment from jackie. i’d been feeling a little weird since the jewish-muslim dialogue followed by my film class screening of celebration. it’s the first the dogme ’95 film, a well-acted, intense drama about dysfunctional family life. i appreciated it without being moved, maybe b/c i’ve been exposed to the subject matter before, albeit in a less sophisticated way.

the combination of the two events was a strange one. i didn’t realize i was upset about the dichotomies set up by the “dialogue” until i left it. no one challenged the speaker, mark ellis, over the course of the 2-hour panel, partly perhaps b/c he was pleasing and made jokes, partly b/c his comments were left ambiguous. it was only implied that true jews (him and the small minority of dissenters he spoke for) would, for the sake of conscience, dismantle the state of israel. that there were only two paths: his, the right one, the path of secular community, dialogue, individually apologizing to palestinians, and returning the jews to a position of vulnerability by ridding themselves of a homeland b/c Power and empire are bad; or the other, the path of staunchly, blindly supporting the state of israel. there was no place in his structure for dissent without thorough denial of israel. i felt like he was trying to morally bully me into his corner and i resented it.

stef and i left together and immediately both found ourselves raising questions and objections. when i got back home, i found an email from the jewish advisor suggesting that those of us who felt a lot was left unresolved could meet for dinner. i signed up for that; i hope stef does too.

and then lana pointed out jackie’s comment. you know, i really would love to gather the swattie webloggers together to talk in person. i’ve still never met rabi and i’ve only had fleeting conversations w/ cathy and jesse. it’s so late in the semester. doubtless everyone’s going nuts. but wouldn’t it be fun guys? come on, wouldn’t it?

rushmore arrived today as did a surprise gift from my aunt jane. i don’t remember under what circumstances we were discussing the thing but its title, something to do w/ “pettigrew,” is familiar. 4 packages in 4 days! i feel so special. i think i’ll forego checking my mailbox for the next week or so and just coast on the glory.

andandand despite doing as badly as i expected to on my stat II midterm II, i was STILL not in the bottom quarter of the class. yes! score! it’s okay to be dumb as long as you’re not the dumbest: that’s what i say.

yesterday’s congregation of sarah c., rob, ross and me over barton fink went well. wednesday nite’s shaping up to be lock, stock… nite in company of two of the triplets, topped w/ sunday’s taped episode of simpsons none of us has seen yet. i’m psyched. before i get there though i have to write my thing for the phoenix (assignment: rate something consumer-reports-wise. only about a thousand times better than “write a bad review of a show about which people are humorless and for which people will hate you”. god. i think i’m going to rate fun experiences w/ bizarre substances. out of what, though? hmm …)

saw ghostbusters last nite — i’m averaging about a movie a day. funny how both ross and rebecca had negative reactions to bill murray. well sure his character’s sexist — the movie is sexist. i refuse to think he himself is a bad guy. he strikes me as sad, and besides that he’s sarcastic and witty without really being mean and he has pretty eyes. how can anyone dislike bill murray? why does liking him make me conventional? that word has come up a lot recently. i keep saying people accuse me of being conventional; of course no one has outright, it’s a subtle thing. maybe it’s all in my head. at any rate, i make many exceptions for charming/funny people. i think they deserve more privileges and indulgence than others do. hell, it’s better than rewarding folks for being power-hungry or good-looking and haughty or rich. come on, who’s with me? (liz i know you are …)

honest discussion yesterday, post-co|motion, of what our parameters are as people. what we can’t forgive, what we can’t stand. some turning to each other and saying, please never do this, or when you did this, i felt _____. led to a decent amount of brooding but the good kind (i think). at any rate the openness makes me happy. it implies a certain level of trust.

two of my three movies via half arrived today: lock stock and two smoking barrels and barton fink. rushmore the third is on its way. as i’m not particularly swamped this week, i sent out an open-ended invitation for whosoever’s interested in watching either w/ me. they’re both fabulous, weird and unique. still lusting after chungking express and network, both of which amazed me when i saw them this summer, but i think i’ll wait to see them a few more times before i put them for-sure on my favorites list. that’s usually my m.o.

so much train travel: metro, septa, amtrak … the nice thing about amtrak is that you’re relatively assured of two hours of peace, and in the faceless placelessness of a train, it seems that anchoring yourself to a solid book is the most appropriate thing to do. i’ve picked up barth’s sot-weed factor again which i started over fall break but put down b/c i was simultaneously reading two other books in which the protagonists were arrogant misogynists. however good the writing was in each (no one could argue the objective merit of delillo, kundera, or barth) i just couldn’t stand it. i finished the other two and left sot-weed — kind of an odd choice considering it’s the most entertaining of the bunch. at least it recognizes that its protagonist is an jackass and makes fun of him for it.

brigid just arrived, a vision in a purple sweater vest, and invited me to see amelie in the city w/ ross, two of the blonde lodge girls, and her. the former three are all in a french class that demands a viewing — brigid is providing transportation out of the goodness of her heart and desire to see the thing. i’ve spent enough money on entertainment this weekend, tho. i think i need to stay in one place and reflect on the state of the world, or at least the state of ebenezer cooke’s.

i’m glad i went. it’s always worth it to get off campus and i’m always thrilled to see lana and jamie. the mckeown concert didn’t quite measure up, only b/c she opened while susan werner dominated. werner’s energy is quite different and more appropriate to the birchmere’s 35+ audience; she’s just more conventional. mckeown is spritely, sprightly, spunky, and clever. we all left humming “la petite mort,” which was the peak of the concert: mckeown got the whole roomful of sedate arlingtonians shouting, occasionally moaning, “oh estelle!” jamie lana and i, of course, needed no coaxing. lookalike-comfort-friends my ass. they’re just two of the coolest people i know.

just got back from seeing the cutest, sweetest movie i’ve seen in a while — italian, which makes everything better — free, even more so — and w/ becca after eating warmcomfortable indian food — so perfect. i had a kickass rehearsal too where i got to take the reins as khadijah was busy w/ kwanzaa celebrations. i forget sometimes how much i like to do things on my own b/c i so often put myself into a subordinate, second position. it’s safer (no worries of failing) but it’s less fun and less rewarding. i left rehearsal thrilled, actually feeling like i’d accomplished something.

home tomorrow oh-so-briefly to see more people who i’m utterly lucky to know. wow i’ve got it good. i only wish i knew who to thank.

my week essentially ended yesterday. classes feel like an afterthought, like “oh yeah, i guess i should go do that …,” not particularly important. i don’t have huge weights on my mind. yet i’m still sweating and getting headaches which vary in position (so i know that they’re not signals of oncoming migranes, thank god) intensity and type of pain. the worst ones hit yesterday morning while i was struggling blearily to make it thru Murder!: the pain was extremely sharp, about the width and height of a coin slot, and located unusually on the middle-top of my head.

i alarmed my mother by not being coherent last nite. i guess i should just go to sleep before i do more damage. the strangest dreams keep plaguing me tho: last nite i dreamt i was in a fairy tale. seven other girls and i sat around a wooden table and each had one specific complaint she kept harping on. i don’t remember what mine was but i started pulling my hair out. i had this thick glossy black hair that fell halfway down my back and when i looked down after a certain point, i saw what must have been most of it in a sad-looking pile on the floor.

now is the time to tell me you like the new design. i spent all evening wrestling it into submission; i’m still sweating in fact. sore, exhausted, but happy. come on, tell me it was worth it.

my friend ari wrote a really sharp, funny entry yesterday. as i’m too near braindead to do any independent thinking, i’m going to urge you over to him. i myself got 2 hours from sleep last nite, between 6 and 8 a.m. i flunked my stat midterm early, left the room in a daze but ran into elizabeth and bridget who for my amusement played an ultracompetitive game of tic tac toe glaring across the table at each other and never looking down at the board. also they’re witty, which helps.

i went home to be further comforted by ben who was serendipitously at the barn when i arrived, ready to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay. (i think cliches exist specifically for times of stress) ross and i kept each other functional through the nite, brainstorming ideas, reviewing each other’s drafts, suggesting corrections, mindlessly transferring popcorn, chocolate, and edamame from fingers to mouths. rebecca came home late, laid herself facedown on the common room floor in a position that looked like she’d landed from a fall, and stayed that way for a while. joel, the only one of us who seemed not to have a workload, tried to soothe.

anyway, it’s better from here on out. i keep discovering more reasons why i should/need to stay on campus this weekend so i’m somewhat turn. mckeownlanajamienomi tho is a strong pull ….

listening to beth orton, shoulder muscles so tight i feel like invisible fists have dug into my skin and grabbed, determined to hold fast, about to go take my 2nd stat midterm and miss my film class, and when i’m done to go see/review/preview/fuckthemallwriteareviewofHarryPotter for the phoenix but first maybe grab dinner at kohlberg — have to eat something — altho it won’t be as nice as my impromptu sharples lunch where the girls i happened upon bought me food so i could sit w/ them while they discussed SQU, leading me to wonder how it came to pass that my female friends right now are queer[friendly]. spent much time poring over Murder! documents w/ ross, reading bits aloud in funny voices and laughing. it’ll be less funny when i finally get home and finish the review/preview/fuckthemallreviewofHarryPotter (estimate 12) and roll up my sleeves to start writing. must finish and have printed out by 9 a.m. ohdearohdear.

i spoke too soon. not long after i started playing w/ the template once it was fixed, i discovered that netscape’s interpretation was smugly, inexplicably fucked up. i’d been in a good mood up to that point — that soured it. i deserved it tho really: i should have been working on Murder! rather than my dumbass website. with some effort i forced myself to leave the screen for the page and made an outline and emailed it to the prof, asking for an okay. (desperate for approval? me? go on.) conflicting opinions from my editor of the phoenix, who wants me to write a review of a student production on campus, and the director of said production who would really rather i didn’t. meanwhile i’m sulky b/c i just want to write my review of harry potter.

frustrating/boring stat review session (midterm tomorrow for which i have to miss a film screening that i can’t make up because the films are on 16mm); a semi-cathartic scream w/ sarah k.; and home to miso soup and tempura. the worst thing, hands down, about moving back onto campus will be missing the food my flatmates cook. ah well.

going home this weekend (right? right?) to see ms. mckeown and ms. warner in concert. that will be relaxing. two people whose online journals i checked had private entries today. [“what’s with today today?”] i’ve torn a lot of hair out. i barely notice til i look down and see hair like shrubs growing out of cracks in a wall. i wonder whether other people think i’m weird, constantly tugging at, straightening or curling my hair. i wonder if i would be so fixated if my hair were short or straight. i wonder whether everyone’s kind of tired of skool at this point or whether it just happens to be the folks i spend time w/ and/or read on the net.