listening to beth orton, shoulder muscles so tight i feel like invisible fists have dug into my skin and grabbed, determined to hold fast, about to go take my 2nd stat midterm and miss my film class, and when i’m done to go see/review/preview/fuckthemallwriteareviewofHarryPotter for the phoenix but first maybe grab dinner at kohlberg — have to eat something — altho it won’t be as nice as my impromptu sharples lunch where the girls i happened upon bought me food so i could sit w/ them while they discussed SQU, leading me to wonder how it came to pass that my female friends right now are queer[friendly]. spent much time poring over Murder! documents w/ ross, reading bits aloud in funny voices and laughing. it’ll be less funny when i finally get home and finish the review/preview/fuckthemallreviewofHarryPotter (estimate 12) and roll up my sleeves to start writing. must finish and have printed out by 9 a.m. ohdearohdear.
All posts by ester
i spoke too soon. not long after i started playing w/ the template once it was fixed, i discovered that netscape’s interpretation was smugly, inexplicably fucked up. i’d been in a good mood up to that point — that soured it. i deserved it tho really: i should have been working on Murder! rather than my dumbass website. with some effort i forced myself to leave the screen for the page and made an outline and emailed it to the prof, asking for an okay. (desperate for approval? me? go on.) conflicting opinions from my editor of the phoenix, who wants me to write a review of a student production on campus, and the director of said production who would really rather i didn’t. meanwhile i’m sulky b/c i just want to write my review of harry potter.
frustrating/boring stat review session (midterm tomorrow for which i have to miss a film screening that i can’t make up because the films are on 16mm); a semi-cathartic scream w/ sarah k.; and home to miso soup and tempura. the worst thing, hands down, about moving back onto campus will be missing the food my flatmates cook. ah well.
going home this weekend (right? right?) to see ms. mckeown and ms. warner in concert. that will be relaxing. two people whose online journals i checked had private entries today. [“what’s with today today?”] i’ve torn a lot of hair out. i barely notice til i look down and see hair like shrubs growing out of cracks in a wall. i wonder whether other people think i’m weird, constantly tugging at, straightening or curling my hair. i wonder if i would be so fixated if my hair were short or straight. i wonder whether everyone’s kind of tired of skool at this point or whether it just happens to be the folks i spend time w/ and/or read on the net.
thanks to rabi, i finally fixed this page so that it looks the way god intended on netscape. i can’t vouch for the other way-too-sophisticated browsers (opera? what?); i was quite pleased just to see that it worked on the conventional ones.
last nite i read over the poem i wrote in vermont and decided i still liked it. an achievement of sorts since i haven’t written many things this semester whose appeal endured beyond the original few minutes of composition. in celebration of bucking the trend i give you:
cordially
snow white’s stepmother ordered snow white’s
heart, raw and chapped as a February morning,
then sat, with a glint in her eye like headlights
off of February ice on an unexpected mountain turn,
and ate it. I always admired that bit
of cannibalistic competence: there, i thought,
is a woman who gets things done. i imagined
the step-daughter’s heart beating down
the door of the step-mother’s throat. (Disney doctors,
as though playing Operation, plucked that scene
from the movie. Made it that much less Grimm.)
I like to think of the evil queen for a moment
playing hostess to two hearts — minor and major cords
in clashing keys — sick with the pounding, desperate
not to regurgitate the essence of her enemy all
over the kitchen floor and give herself away.
i don’t recall what inspired it. of course it’s still rough; feel free to advise.
marc suggested the color. i’m sitting w/ him now in his dorm in the lull b/w dinner (for which rob joined us, offering buddha-like advice) and co|motion (ross calls them “commies”: damn catchy and a pun to boot). i spent nearly the whole day w/ ross for the first time in a while, working on our latest Murder! assignment. he surprised me relatively early while i was still in my crazy pajamas. i went to sleep late after one extensive conversation w/ lana and another w/ ben. the latter ended only b/c the batteries on my phone died.
nori suggested, in response to the previous entry, that perhaps she’ll never get married and she doesn’t feel there’s anything wrong w/ that. got me thinking a little. it’s assumed that people factor marriage into their life-plans, if not make marriage their goal. why do countless movies and books end either at or two-steps before the altar? because it’s the pinnacle of achievement? or because nothing interesting happens thereafter?
hmm. do most kids this age (help me out, kids) fantasize about their wedding day? i just realized i never have. for one thing, i don’t look good in white …
oh so much. i’m back at the barn, deposited here by parents who took a cursory look around my apartment and sped off home. we drove all day, making it from my grandparents’ house in manchester back here in about 6 hrs, with stops; they still have another couple hours to go. considering the state we were in when we left i was scared we wouldn’t make it to new york. (my brother lost one of his case logics in packing — he thinks he placed it momentarily atop the car and then forgot about it. he and then the rest of us beachcombed the stretch of street b/w the motel, where he was packing, and my grandparents’ house, for it, to no avail. all his dvds and a number of cds it would give you a heart-attack to mention! i’d cry.)
eventually he went, taking my oldest cousin w/ him. they go to skool w/in an hour of each other so they always carpool to thanksgivings. my cousin is a film major; so it’s funny to go to family events b/c all questions about the subject and such are posed to him. he was surprised to hear that i was planning to minor in it. i’m the only girl cousin out of six. the boys range from standing six-inches-taller than i to a foot or so taller and have changed little otherwise since i’ve known them. they’re very polite to me, occasionally stooping to joke about my “veganism,” leftism/pacifism, or feminism. it’s pointless to correct them — i’m accused of not having a sense of humor about myself.
friday i went shopping w/ my mother, my aunt marge (the mother of my cousins who shares a name w/ my mother) and my aunt jane (her lovely never-married manhattanite sister). it was nice to get a break from the cloistered family feeling. everyone from my grandparents down to my little brother is a supervisor: we’re constantly looking over each others’ shoulders, asking what’s up and suggesting better ways to do things. when we’re not micromanaging each other’s affairs, we’re arguing politics/listening to my father lecture; reading new yorkers, newsweeks and sections of the new york times (or books,) sleeping, playing scrabble, watching cnn, or, in the case of the boys, playing video games downstairs. everyone otherwise in sight of everyone else. i read most of truman capote’s in cold blood and started interpreter of maladies, which nearly made me cry. i answered “why copenhagen?” about 25 times, and “how’s ben?” another 20. i tried not to miss the internet or snap at family members. for the most part i was successful.
i had weird-ass dreams tho. the first was that it turned out i was ten years older than i’d realized. amnesia had wiped my memory of giving birth to dan blim (he’s a senior here). in some hazy way, matt rubin was involved and i had definite negative feelings about the whole thing. in the dream i thought, “oh, so that explains it.” in the second dream, my bedroom was converted into an unused room in the top corner of a skool building. quite depressing.
on the more positive sleep front, i bought wonderfully comfortably warm bright red fleece pajamas. my cousin jeff upon seeing me model them called me mrs. claus. my dad compared it to a shador — all i needed was a veil. i think the outfit resembles a sari; clearly it’s up for interpretation. anyway i slept in them the last nite and had no bad dreams.
now i’m back at the barn, alone again, tho i talked to lana for over an hour and then briefly liz. maybe i’ll slip into my pajamas. maybe no harm can come to me in them.
doesn’t take much to make a good day (or should that be, to make a day good?) possible ingredients: leaving your last class pre-break. hearing the foreign study coordinator whisper “you’re in.” lunching w/ stefanie, maria, ben, sorelle, rebecca briefly / sarah k. blocking the hallway saying an extended goodbye. going upstairs to eliz’s room w/ sorelle. laughter. kohlberg chai. reading vagina monologues in sorelle’s room. helping maria make her love mix. watching cat on a hot tin roof w/ lodge 4 girls. saying an extended hello.
i’m sortof in the midst of packing. ma famille should be arriving soon in our new *shudder* SUV. they keep calling and saying it’ll be later. whatever. i hope i can do laundry up in vermont. and that the holiday won’t be stressful.
happy thanksgiving everyone (as sarah c. put it, “happy turkey, or vegan substitute”)
this is courtesy of william and kat:
Full name: ester sarah bloom
Name of school: swarthmore college
How often do you check your email: like five times a day.
Color of eyes: someone once said honey
Hair: auburn. this is very important to me. it makes baby jesus cry when someone dismisses my hair as brown.
Height: 5’1.5″
Zodiac sign: cancer but close enuf to leo that i don’t make any sense (the two are opposites) **is this ridiculous stuff important to me? clearly, yes.
Have you ever…
Gotten drunk: yup
Gone out wearing your PJ’s: yup — spent a whole day in them once in cty. horrified becca, i’m sure.
Missed school because of rain: my mom believed in mental health days. and senior year, i didn’t even need a reason
Kept a secret from everyone: yup. on the other hand, yesterday i was praised for my “emotional honesty”.
Had a crush on a teacher: kind of. my face turned red when i spoke in his class and he appeared in my dreams sometimes. he also seemed particularly awkward around me. at the end of the year, i gave him a rutabaga wrapped in purple ribbon.
Been on stage: hell yes. i’ve gotten much more timid in my old age, but i used to get a thrill like nothing else walking out in front of an audience.
Favorites:
Shampoo + conditioner: herbal essences (despite the warning someone gave recently that it makes one’s hair fall out) (??)
Town to chill: amsterdam
Cereal: kellogs 19s. the box alone serves as a comfort object.
TV shows: simpsons, sopranos
Movies: gaa, too broad. pulp fiction, fight club, being john malkovich, all that jazz, high fidelity, terms of endearment, chinatown, shawshank redemption, empire records …
Scent: french vanilla; hazelnut
Musicians: ani, tori, alanis, bjork, joni, aimee, jill (it’s like listing smurfs!)
Favorite person to talk to online: michael
First crush: noel airman
What is on your walls: pictures of my friends; sentimentalia; a cool collage my oldest friend’s little sister’s friend made
Ever been skinny dipping: yup
Worst feeling: depression + headache + nausea
Best feeling: having great recent memories and continuing to do things that will produce more
Word or phrase overuse: bite me; your mom. i’m such a kid.
Get along with parents: really well
What are you wearing right now: dark blue shirt from mustard seed over magenta express tank top; jeans; poland socks; docs; my hair down
Are you lonely: oddly, never when i’m blogging
Last 24 Hours…
Been mean: probably. i’m in the process of testing limits w/ people. also i was w/ liz h. this morning
Been sarcastic: see above
Met someone new: kinda —
First thing you thought this morning: i violently didn’t want to wake up, which doesn’t often happen to me
In the future…
Where do you see yourself in 10 years: hopefully in some small-but-cool city on the east coast, writing, w/ a close group of friends, a decent amount of optomism, a college degree, a job, and perhaps a PLTSO
Future son’s name: jake or zev
Future daughter’s name: eleanor, dorothy, morgan, lily, or daria
Where do you want to live when you get married: in a small-but-cool city on the east coast somewhere near my parents
When was the last time you…
Went to the beach at night: in n. carolina w/ lana this past summer
Spent some quality time with yourself: lunch. i finally caught up w/ my real notebook — i hadn’t written substantially in a couple days.
Read a book for fun: stayed up til 2:30 last nite rereading Goblet of Fire
Believed in yourself: oh for god’s sake
there was more sappy stuff that i edited out but that last i just had to leave in. happy new week, everybody.
happy november 19 geoff, if you’re reading this. happy wednesday-before-thanksgiving, ben, if you’re reading this. gee, what a historically significant week this is for me …
i’m listening to the Girls w/ Guitars mix that lana made me. she and jamie arrived friday nite while ben and i were w/ the maria’s-birthday crowd at harry potter. the experience of seeing the movie was definitely as much fun as the movie itself: in the car or standing in line, i would periodically emit excited, high-pitched noises or clap my hands; either ben or sorelle, depending on who was looking at me at the time, would smile indulgently. everyone was pretty excited and high-pitched actually. i thought the direction was sub-par, some choices awful; but when chris colombus didn’t interfere — let the story tell itself, essentially — it worked. he really would have to strive to ruin something as quality as harry potter. still, they should find a new director for the next ones.
returned to the barn to a squealing mass of lanajamie which attacked me on the stairs. (why do people insist they look alike? louisa assumed they were dating) somehow we made it into the apartment, played musical beds until lanajamie and i settled into ross’s bed w/ ben on the couch. saturday morning, we woke at 10:30 and immediately started talking; after a couple hours, we were ready to meet the day, and, adopting becca’s friend geoff b/c (swat)becca was busy and ill, drove into philly to see (penn)becca. we brunched at morning glory, got a flat tire, watched w/ awe as jamie navigated awkward social situations, laughed a lot, reminisced, bought ben a harmonica in the key of e from a fun, sarcastic clerk, and made it home about 5. just in time to deliver ben his harmonica for the bob dylan concert and split up for two pronged shopping ross and becca had left us to do for the party: jamie and geoff to buy liquor since he’s 21; lana and me to buy groceries. the highlight occurred when we passed a squat, aproned employee saying: “he asked me to marry him. i couldn’t tell if he was serious, and i had just come out of the seizure –”
we brought all the stuff home (like $120 worth, all told,) set it up, and borrowed a tape of My So-Called Life episodes to relax. ross and rebecca returned and made signs of the trivia people had sent w/ their RSVPs, as per instructions. the funniest one i thought was “my parents are 1st cousins.” others were striking or funny too. as (good) folks arrived for the party, they spent much time contemplating them in the hallway. they also ate all the food and drank most of the liquor. butbutbut i’m not a fan of parties: they make me kind of irritated b/c i see lots of people i’d love to see individually but can only speak to superficially for like 10 minutes, max, in that kind of setting. for a while, i drank some and the alcohol propelled me thru a number of such encounters. since jamie and lana were not exactly in their element, they retired to my room and changed into pajamas, and before long i joined them, rather relieved. ben returned, glowing, from dylan. by 12:30 i was curled up, asleep.
that’s the third barn party i’ve fallen asleep at. we’ve only had three. well, i didn’t choose any of them; i refuse to feel guilty.
this morning, my girls left, early; ben moved onto the bed which kept me from getting depressed. mariah appeared surprisingly to walk me to my meeting. after that and rehearsal (somehow i’m the nonthreatening, comforting, positive one; i feel like some of the actors don’t really respect me or at least don’t take me too seriously) i hung out w/ elizabeth and her little sister. later after dinner w/ ben and a good co|motion meeting, she (minus the sister), sorelle, and i hung out for another two hours, forgetting the time. i have to remember it now of course — i should sleep — but it’s been such a pleasant weekend i’m loath to slip out of it. hmm. maybe more rereading Goblet of Fire before bed.
don’t have to time to write really. jamie and lana are here and we’re about to run into the city to meet pennbecca for brunch. saw Harry Potter last nite AND it’s benandmine 9-month anniversary. much excitement. must go.
last nite i was so enthralled to return home to a computer in my room that i could use to surf the net that i started playing around w/ webdesign. i was rusty, having not touched the stuff since september, and before i knew it three hours had passed. the evidence doesn’t reflect the time put into it, i know, but i was just getting reacclimated.
following that, ross recruited becca and me to work on the invitations for the party sat. nite. after all the disagreements and ruffled fur got smoothed, we ended up using two pictures: one of me kissing the blow-up doll annie got me for my birthday, and another of rebecca and joel posing the toy liz got me for the same occasion. (well, technically, for lonlier occasions than those, but whatever.) the caption reads “life is lonely at the barn …”
it’s pretty funny, i think it looks good, and last nite we were up til three printing them out, writing names — i must have addressed 25 or so to people i wouldn’t recognize and more to a lot of folks i would only smile to in passing. it kept striking me how funny it is to be sending bizarre photos of yrself to strangers; then again, is it much weirder than allowing those same folks to read about yr life in a webjournal? — putting stickers and cute messages on them. this morning ross and i rose early to stuff mailboxes before class. talk about initiative.
my prof sat next to me in polisci thru the first group presentation. he asked if i was a senior b/c i had “the senior confidence.” i admitted i was not, and he said, “well, maybe it’s b/c you write those reviews.” later after my group presented he told me we were excellent.
quite flattered, i ran down to meet joel and our film prof for lunch. joel has been taking a bunch of his profs to lunch in our dining hall recently but this was my first time along w/ him, and actually we had a lot of fun, remaining way past the time when normal people left (dining services folks appeared to pry our trays away.) we talked movies of course, and childhood and television and differences b/w europe and america. finally we walked back upcampus together w/ soft-serve cones, discussing gender issues in film and brainstorming women who are portrayed as smart, funny, and sexy.
bottom line: it’s been a lovely day so far. i could even presume to say, perhaps, the beginning of a lovely weekend.