last nite was moderately discouraging. johnny tamar geoff and i rendezvoused as planned at silver diner and moved from there to eatzi’s to eat. initially the dynamic was all right and we discussed interesting things. eventually, however, it disentegrated into geoff and johnny making fun of tamar. i’ve found that when i’m w/ boys, my instinct is to go along w/ them. maybe it’s from long years of experience being the younger sister: it’s safer to laugh w/ the boys who are mocking some other person rather than to be indignant or defensive. it’s also b/c i haven’t, historically, been the person targeted.

none of that makes me any less chicken-shit.

but johnny and geoff weren’t malicious — it seems that’s the way they can relate to tamar, at least when someone else is present. i don’t get it, and i don’t get why she stands for it, and clearly i’m no good at trying to make them stop, so more or less inevitably neither tamar nor i enjoys these gatherings. i don’t think the boys do either — they’re good guys; they don’t want to upset her and don’t really know how to react when she stops reacting and retreats into herself.

anyway, after that and a very mediocre health shake that tamar and i split back at the silver diner (it was so bad we tried to start a drinking game in which the loser of each round would have to take a shot), we all shrugged and hugged and headed our separate ways.

back at home, my mother informed me that i might not be able to go to san francisco. she cited money, which is inarguable, and the necessity of saving mileage so the family can visit me in stockholm next spring and adam, my older brother, in australia.

then she added that she didn’t think it was fair for me to take a week off from work, from which comment i derived that maybe she simply doesn’t want me to go. i don’t really know how to proceed — certainly there’s no law that says parents have to send their daughters across the country to visit significant others on demand. at the same time, the idea of not seeing ben until august makes me feel hollow and heavy at the same time.

the depression lasted thru the night and this morning until work cheered me up. the office is full of very sweet young women and i keep trying to explain to people that it isn’t radical in the least. we all have long hair, something i noticed a complete absence of at the dyke parade, and everyone voted for gore except martha, and even she was vaguely apologetic about having voted for nader. but, she said, her voice staying firm, he was the only one who addressed media, the issue i really cared about. everyone in the office nodded; we all respected that. it’s a great atmosphere that way. no one is confrontational, discussions are always conducted diplomatically, and (so) everyone gets along.

too hot to walk today.

angelina jolie was on leno last nite — i can’t wait for tomb raider.

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