still laughing, two hours later

the best line i’ve ever read in esquire — and even better in context where it follows hypermacho interviews with jack “if i were an arab-american i’d register myself. some things are more important than civil rights” nicholson and wonder “tough women abandon the feminine and that’s too bad” woman —

adam west (you know, Batman): “i hate to disappoint you, but the batmobile only went 33 miles an hour.”

for the record, i suppose i should say i used to be a hardcore jack nicholson fan. that was before i knew about the misogyny, the obsession with golf, the business about him being an accessory, and not the pretty kind, to roman polanski’s infamous affair. but i admit, my life is just a little bit emptier without him, feminist bashing (“there are 3 times more single women over 40 than single men. that’s the women’s movement for you. that’s chickens coming home to roost”) and all.

just for kicks

you will never believe how many pairs of shoes richer i am now than i was four hours ago. i can barely believe it. o, the times i’d gone out searching, always alone, for that perfect pair of knee high black boots… to no avail. the perfect pair of knee high black boots, i had almost come to realize, was a phantom that existed only on the legs of film professors.

then i remembered the secret: bring your mother with you shopping, and if possible your aunt.

the gates of heaven (montgomery mall) swung wide to the three of us, curly haired ladies in blue jeans and ski jackets. angels (store employees) showered us with shoes. in one place, we got — and by “we” i mean “i i i” — not one but TWO pairs of knee high black books for $75 total.

the nordstrom angels, my personal favorites, tossed in a really cute pair of red steve maddens, also cheap, just for kicks.

the next time you see me, consequently, you have to compliment me on my shoes. as i’ve virtually doubled my collection, you have an excellent likelihood of catching me in a compliment-worthy new pair.

jack

hollywood has the right idea. never do anything once if twice will make you more money.

unfortunately, after master and commander, i actually thought pirates of the caribbean was a little lackluster. so … bruckheimer, so overdone. i was also distracted the entire movie, thinking, “who IS that guy? why does he look so goddamn familiar?”

(the answer to that question, as to all others, is “orlando bloom! christ! you call yourself a movie-goer?”)

someone seriously needs to do a compare/contrast between m&c and potc. for instance, on the compare side: both titles end with “c.” both include a character from the lotr trilogy, only modified so as to be shorter/taller. both have a phenomenally attractive captain named jack.

in pirates‘ favor, i have to say i find swaggering, eye-liner, a headscarf and a killer brogue more attractive, altogether, than a whole bunch of muscles and the ability to play the violin.

also in pirates‘ favor, geoffrey rush can give me an apple anytime. hooooooooooboy. makes me want to run out and rent quills.

but when it comes down it, pirates just goes on and on and the script can’t sustain it. but when it comes down it, of course, who cares? skeletons! geoffrey rush! johnny depp!

on a completely different note, last night my grandmother told me i should elope and save everyone the trouble. not that i’m planning on getting married — this came almost out of nowhere. now, my romantic sensibilities have never manifested themselves in a dream of a storybook wedding, but i was still caught a little off-guard.

a few moments later, my grandmother said, Or don’t get married at all. soon no one will get married; it will totally out of style. just so long as you meet someone nice.

to that, i could happily say, Okay.

i know there’s a word for this

a couple months ago, my two brothers and three boy cousins were all assembled at my house and they wanted to see a movie. master and commander had just opened and, noting my audience, i suggested we go see it. nuts to that, they responded in one voice. let’s see the station agent!

as it turned out, the station agent was a sweet, small film, the kind of that enables critics to use scrabble words like “quirky” and “poignant.” my two brothers and three boy cousins, needless to say, were underwhelmed.

movie time rolled around again. master and commander, i suggested again. aw, you just wanna see russell crowe, they said. and to shouts of “yeah, remember how much she liked titanic?” and accompanying hoots of laughter, my two brothers and three boy cousins marched me off to see shattered glass.

in the darkness of the theater while the credits rolled and my two brothers and three boy cousins sat struck dumb by yet another well-acted character exploration with no profanity, sex, or explosions, i leaned over and whispered, “i told you we should have seen master and commander.”

yesterday, at long long last, i swashbuckled into the theater by myself, prepared to be entertained. instead i got soaked. master and commander must be the wettest movie since titanic. those poor sailors get smacked around by gleeful waves, sheets of rain, everything but poltergeists flying around emptying buckets on their heads. but my oh my, is it a good movie.

i mean it. russell crowe is the kind of onscreen presence that makes your eyes go wide and your head fill with one expanding thought: “movie star!” he’s balanced perfectly by paul bettany who, much more my personal taste, kept me happily distracted as chaucer during the otherwise silly “a knight’s tale.” lanky + british = mmmm ….

the crew, which includes one of the hobbits, holds up their end of the bargain too, a feat which is assisted by an actually quality script and really assured direction by peter weir (“the truman show”).

i was so excited in its aftermath that i started walking home in the balmy 5 degree weather. my father caught sight of me and whisked me away. in the car and back at home, i calmed down — until my friend ari called and invited me to watch the first half of angels in america at his house and i got all revved up again.

on a more somber note, ari asked me what the highlight of my semester was and i could not think of a thing. there must have been some head-above-the-rest thing this past fall and for the life of me i can’t call it to mind.

twists and turns

so it turned out i was going to new mexico.

then it turned out i wasn’t.

no biggie, i can adjust. see? look, i’m adjusting. my father and i might venture out next week instead, which would also be fine. now i just have to cobble together a list of things to keep me occupied at home with all my friends away. yesterday, while classic and very enjoyable, can’t be template: i stayed in bed until 5 pm, in my nightgown, re-reading harry potter iv. i stopped only to eat (though, for lunch? i made this sandwich? maple-smoked cheddar, red onion, sliced egg, and raspberry chipotle sauce … mmmmmm …)

this was neccessary, of course, because while at swat w/ ben, i re-read the whole of harry potter v. my conclusion is that v was exactly what i wanted to read at the time that i read it, and still good and exciting and all that, but iv is of better consistency and iii is best of all.

on january 19th my mother is hosting a victory party for dick gephardt. not just any party, the official washington dc party — the candidate will call our house, we’ll have a speaker, and tickets will cost. i’ve been helping her plan. for something like this, i feel, you have to go all out. big gap adds modified to read “GEP” on the walls. blown-up old pictures from dick and primers that blare, “SEE DICK RUN! GO DICK GO!” crepe paper and balloons of course and the kitchiest hors d’oeuvres you can find.

i only regret i will not be here to participate.

what’s better than best?

you wouldn’t think that getting a lovely laptop for hannukah could get any better. yet it has. ready? i’m WIFI. !! that means that not only can i be one of them cool people in coffee shops reading porn/salon.com, or on planes watching whatever dvd they want intead of mad love for the fourteenth time — now i get to do all of that without the irritating cordage!

so. exciting.

barely an hour after i got home from my sojourn (vermont -> ny -> swarthmore -> philly -> dc) my little brother was dragging me to best buy. for some reason, he paid for my wifi card, except for $15 which he asked of me. and the cashier frowned at HIM and told him he should be ashamed! considering that my older brother purchased my new cellphone for me, it seems there’s evidence to support a claim that i’m the family princess. i guess it evens out in the end, though, since i have to menstruate and earn $.70 for every dollar they earn. (i’ve never had this discrepancy explained to me, by the way — what accounts for the gap, besides looks?)

anyway, i had a lovely, really lovely, time in vermont and new york and the philly area. little adam and mark came to stay with ben and me and were ideal guests. we zipped around the mountains, visiting picturesque 200 year old towns, each of which comes equipped with a library. interestingly, we didn’t see a single dean sign. perhaps vt is less enchanted with the increasingly god-oriented candidate than the rest of the country.

speaking of his increasing god-orientation, a reporter asked dean at a recent press conference, where he was acting pious, what his favorite book in the new testament was. he replied, “the book of job.” later he corrected himself, saying that of course job is part of the old/my/his wife and 2 children’s testament.

so what’s your favorite new testament book? the reporters asked.

the gospels, he said.

which?

all of them.

now that’s politics.

where everybody knows your name

this is the second library ben and i have been in in two days and in both, the librarians have known their patrons personally. that’s enough to make me want to move to small-town vermont, especially when they’re cute and yuppie (but they still have cheaper gas than even rural upstate new york) and victorian and decorate with tasteful xmas lights.

til now, it’s just been the two of us in my grandparents’ lovely house. two friends are joining us today as should be a segment of ben’s family. in the serene interval between our arrival and theirs, i’ve read 2.5 lemony snicket books, bought 1 audio cd (of book 3: the wide window), watched four movies, cooked, slept, walked, washed dishes, missed my grandfather and my dog, and laughed at ricki lake.

the movies, in order of sublimity, are as follows:

1) breathless. as good as everyone says it is; maybe better. this godard 1959 classic set the new age standard for sexyviolence and nihilism but unlike the vast majority of other such movies ever made it succeeds in seeming unique, beautiful, & surprising. extra plus: it features a fantastic female character who chooses independence over love.

2) caddyshack. actually funny. who knew?

3) my life as a dog. as ben sez, it’s what gives foreign films a bad name. sure it’s sweet and well-acted. it’s also meandering, weirdly paced, long, and somewhat pointless.

4) bridge over the river kwai. speaking of long and somewhat pointless. sir alec as a self-important colonel who feels like civilization rests on his shoulders does not disappoint but the rest of this film, about the brits under sir alec’s command in a japanese prison camp forced to build a bridge, would make edward said choke on his own vomit.

still left to see: shampoo, amarcord, jules & jim, & i’m blanking on the others, all courtesy of the chappaqua public library. and sometime we truly intend to get some skiing in.

a kander-and-ebb kristmas

no chinese food today, as it turned out. i did however find myself wandering around dupont circle, unsure of where exactly visions was, until i realized that all i needed to do was follow the jews.

sure enough, they led me to the free screening of cabaret. i think i liked it better this time — the first time i saw the film i was skeptical of the ending.

then i took the metro home and participated in the following scene:

two middle-aged black women and one young white woman stand on a usually bustling street corner made eerily vacant by christmas, dark, and cold.

a vintage blue car slowly pulls up to the curb next to the three women. the older white guy inside rolls down the passenger side window and asks, “any of you ladies need a ride?”

the two older women give him a definitive No and he moves on.

several minutes later, a run-down red car pulls up to the curb next to the three women. the older white guy inside rolls down the passenger side window and asks, “can i take you ladies somewhere?”

the two older women give him a definitive No and he moves on.

the three women exchange incredulous glances. this is northwest washington, connecticut avenue — what on earth is going on?

a minute later, a black suv pulls up to the curb next to the three women. the young white guy inside signals to the crowd. the older women open their mouths to give him a definitive No but are silenced by the young woman moving to accept the driver’s invitation.

she turns around and explains, “this one’s okay. it’s my brother.”

fin

my parents bought me a laptop for hannukah. bless them and bless this giftgivin time. and bless vermont where i’ll be for the next week. mm, vacation — my last winter break ever.

happy december 25th!

i overdid it on the nyquil today and ended up sleeping through christmas eve dinner. not that we celebrate yoshke day. another jewish family came over and my mother made ducklings and roast onions and i was upstairs, blissfully sleeping in pants and socks.

that, despite having recently seen 28 days later (scary) and 21 grams (sad).

i only have one grad skool application left to send out (scary? sad?). this feels somewhat like a cusp-of-the-future moment. an old friend and i were wandering around a mall and she dragged me over to kay “the k stands for kheap!” jewelers and for the first time in my life i came face to face with diamond rings.

check out the Design Your Own Ring link from that site. it’s currently making the hair rise on the back of my neck. then of course there’s the spending guidelines which recommend the traditional 2 months of salary. they even offer a thingy that calculates for you what that would be.

it’s kind of like an online quiz, only creepier. for instance, “what shape reflects YOUR love?

The luxurious oval shaped diamond is a definite favorite. Oval shaped diamonds are guaranteed to leave an everlasting impression of luxury regardless of how they are worn. This piece is destined for lovers who demonstrate both creativity and dependability. Fun-loving women who allow their true wild-side to shine through often prefer this shape as well.”

or — like captain planet — heart!: “Heart shaped diamonds beautifully and simply reflect a relationship that is meant to last “happily ever after.” Although the heart is feminine and delicate, its spectacular shape captures all the attention it deserves, as this shape is very difficult to cut. The heart shape conveys the endless love that exists between two people and reinforces the genuineness and passion that only true love shares.”

ew ew ew. ew. but the alternatives are also gross: she’ll never know …. as seen on tv.

funny how i started off talking about christmas and ending up talking about consumerism. actually, that’s a pretty hackneyed point; i apologize. i’m going to see movies with the jews tomorrow at visions. very exciting. have a happy holiday everyone and may you give/receive all the shiny objects you wish.

acetaminophin

that’s a stab in the dark, btw. i never claimed to be a speller.

of all my weirdo pseduo-phobias — bathrooms, driving, lighting matches — the one i most still need to address is taking pills. curing headaches via nyquil for its painkillers seems somewhat roundabout.

i haven’t been able to accomplish much recently. i’m paralyzed. my little brother has the flu and i’m so paranoid i’ll get it all i do is wash my hands. but um. i am having a good break.