blah. reblogger, the service that runs the comments section of this page, just changed servers. that’s why that’s been down for a couple days. i just updated to his new version; unfortunately, the side effect was that all the comments that had been here are lost. sorry, guys. feel free to add new ones … and/or solace.
i’m alone in a computer lab. marc scolded me a few minutes ago. among other things, he said that he and rachel block both love me, sure, but they find it hard to be around me since it seems like i have no problems, do no work, and have nothing to stress about. bull-shit. that got me angry: i do, i said; i just don’t bitch about it. but from there he launched into a speech about how i don’t see him enuf. finally we arranged a lunch date. he kissed on top of the head, lingering there for a moment or two, and left me, defeated and sapped.
again, blah. what right does anyone have to tell someone else they don’t have problems?
i don’t have time for this; i have reading to do. but i hate simply being told things. there are times when i take orders well — like just being able to Do as Told. then there are times where i snap back, hard. diet coke is one sore spot; there are others. last nite i dreamt of looking for parking spaces but finding them all marked Handicapped. also of talking to liz, who was upset about something. i promised her i’d come right over, only to wake up and find that i couldn’t.
evening in philly w/ (penn)becca. i’m beginning to get stressed. so much reading this week ….
Category Archives: Uncategorized
top 5 movies about dead people. go.
writing in willets, man … yeahhh … that’s the stuff. i’m so glad i don’t live in this building. it’s all white cinderblock and vomit-absorbing carpets, which the athletes, who represent the majority of inhabitors here, make good use of. the smell is the worse part. but these are the only computers open to us poor barnies at 8-something on a saturday nite, so there it is.
last nite, ross and ben djed their dance party. people came, which was exciting; more freshman than folks we knew, which was not so much, but at least the froshes could dance. and did. it was impressive, really. people got very into it. i was a little enhanced, so to speak, which was appropriate, or at least traditional. last year at this time, mariah and i recollected as we did shots together, she and i got smashed in willets. this time, in addition to the alky, we met up w/ rob and his bowl. a bad combination, i know, i know. but i didn’t feel like thinking. the boys would expect me to dance, and i find it difficult to dance when unenhanced. it’s a confidence thing. alcohol is a great substitute for confidence, grace, lack of attraction, the need to be coherent … little wonder it’s retained its popularity over the years. especially at college. 🙂
we’ve just met up w/ a freshman famous, or infamous, for being listed in the cygnet as “rogg”. as he just explained to us, we may also know him for having given himself a concussion on day 1 and straining his groin playing ultimate frisbee. “i thought i had a hernia,” he explains. “i had to reveal myself to the nurse at 12 o’clock at night and consequently the doctor the next morning. p.s.: they had cold hands.” he’s used the word “nevertheless” twice so far and he moves a lot when he speaks. the freshman class seems full of interesting characters. last nite there was no lack of people interpretative dancing, for one thing. i’m eternally impressed by people who do shit like that naturally.
eventually my mixture of substances knocked me out — i fell asleep in a large chair in trotter, the building behind which ben and ross were feverishly conducting their party. rob woke up me and we stumbled over to his and ben’s room, where he collapsed in his bed and i in ben’s, still skirted and shirted and all that jazz. this morning i felt disgusting and left ben, who had joined me at some point during the night, to return to the barn. i spent the rest of the day lounging in pajamas, reading master and margarita, chillin w/ the barnies, and talking w/ various people (among them pennbecca who has gone and acquired herself another bunny. good fun, i say. and she seems happy. tomorrow we meet to watch her new bunny perform in some show and then go to pod.) tonite is going to be as calm as today was. i can only do craziness in small doses. dork? yes. and speaking of which, here is the working link to my review of ghost world. let me know if you agree.
i can’t believe the difference a day makes. apparently blogger made me a Blog o’ Note around 8/3. before that, i was averaging fewer than 20 visitors a day. immediately thereafter, the number jumped, and it’s been escalating since: yesterday, the number was 340. over a thousand for the week. nuts! but exciting —
yesterday, my skool day ended at 12:35 and my weekend began. ross and i went back to the barn and made sandwiches to music and looked over pictures. i was near-giddy: it felt so good to leave campus, go to a house, pace through a kitchen, eat what you want, and sing, loudly. the glories of off-campus life.
the downside, of course, is that there are fewer social interactions. i decided to take some initiative to remedy that. i went back on campus and stayed there til 10:30, finding people to talk to and talking to them. jolly and kenny, a friend of ours from last year, bought me dinner in sharples, our dining hall, which strengthened my bond to our kitchen in the barn. god that place is a mess. i was always intimidated by the crowds and the noise. guess i’m such a bashful country girl at heart.
ruby’s reading this as we speak — he’s next to me in the library. i scrolled down and showed him the descriptions of folk and he got so excited that he was in the cast of characters that his face turned salmon and he giggled. silly ruby.
i haven’t seen too much of him this semester so far. between macking on the new freshman class and his 2-credit history seminar, i think he’s been swamped. but we’ve run into each other and he always seems happy to see me, which i appreciate. i think b/c the barn-folk are so similar in a lot of ways, it’s good for me to visit folk of a very different stripe. ruby is one; stefanie, who i got to chill w/ last nite, is another. she shares my birthday, i discovered. that’s a first for me. i always thought the only such were edgar degas, lizzie borden, and george mcgovern. i was quite excited.
but apart from that, she’s sweet and earnest and down-to-earth, which are some of the characteristics i admire so much in ben. a complete lack of pretense. last nite, when i returned from my long-ass stint on campus,
i capped off my Day of Communication w/ a stopin to see mariah and finally got back to the barn. ross and becca were playing Boggle, except w/ a 5-by-5 board. i hadn’t played since i was 9 but jumped in anyway. i got trounced, of course. becca was raised in an intensely-competitive game playing family and ross is naturally excellent at them. i got upset after we finished. the competitiveness bothered me, as did losing, as did just generally not being good. but most of all the attitude. i tend to feel, whenever i play games w/ them, that they think i’m stupid. maybe it’s projection. i think it’s part-and-parcel of the whole them calling me the child of the family thing. i don’t know. it made me very glad to have ben and it made me miss home.
but i slept over there (at ben’s) and this morning, joe came to the barn. i remembered how much i like him: he’s such a good guy. that’s all i need to do, keep finding different people. keep my mind off of missing my friends at home, with whom i don’t have to prove anything or even really try. in general, it’s not hard to be happy. i am happy. and now i have to go shopping.
i’m writing this from jolly’s new room in willets. marc is stretched out on the bed, jeff is sitting awkwardly in laura’s, jolly’s new roommate, shark chair. jolly’s drunk (holding up a glass full of something frothy and magenta: “it’s orange juuuuuuice! it’s orange juuuuuuuuuice!” and then, to jeff, who’s itching to leave, “wait! i’m coming w/ you, i’m just bringing my drink ….”) sorta like old times, sorta not at all.
the phoenix came out today, complete w/ my review of ghost world. i scanned it and was content to see that it was more or less untouched. i had been nervous — suzanne wu, my new editor, is one of the intimidating cool folk, who always seem, however casually they talk to you, like they could at any moment get a glint in their eye and go for your throat in some devastating, brilliant way from which you’ll never recover.
but — all is well. … so far …
apparently we’re having morgan over at the barn for dinner tonite. after, or after my phoenix meeting thereafter (or should i do spike?), i’m seeing stefanie, who’s sweet and who i haven’t seen much of yet. mariah and i had plans to meet but she never showed. the only bad thing about living off campus, besides the lack an internet connection, is that you don’t randomly run into people. fewer chance encounters w/ intimidatingly cool folk = fewer chances of dying a brutal, cleverly executed death but also fewer adrenaline rushes. well, luckily, r. block is in the barn; she, if not i.c.f., requires particular attention in conversation.
ross is so cool. his entry made me laugh and laugh today in mccabe, the library, but as part of its charm exists b/c he feels relatively certain he’s safe from the campus (no one knows it exists –> no one reads it –> he can be honest), i’m hesitant to do what my instinct is, i.e.: herd any and all readers over to his page right now. my advice is, find it for yourself — it’s incredibly easy and very worth it.
marc is ringing jolly’s cowbell to get my attention so i’ll go now. here begins Weekend I ….
dude! i’m a blog of note on blogger’s front page. kickass. i didn’t figure it out at first — i just kept getting new entries in the guestbook congratulating me. what can i say? i’m slow.
i finished lot 49 this afternoon, which was crazy in that functional wish-more-books-were-like-that way. lots of arguments about film and literature recently, stemming from the film and media class joel and i are taking and the english class joel ross and ben are taking. becca says film is sexier; that’s the only reason analysis of it seems more attractive. i say pretentious film people are bad, but there’s nothing worse than an intelligent person gone snobby about books, to the point where he deconstructs them past recognition and/or the author’s intent and cannot simply enjoy reading. i would adore english — i would take nothing but classes on books — if all we did was read and discuss, bounce ideas back and forth and bask in the glow of a beneficient, wise professor’s insight.
unfortunately, English isn’t about that. the important part of English as a Subject now is to write essays.
— aww, shit, man, i don’t feel like getting into this again. 🙂 basically, the beginning of the end for me came when, in eleventh grade honors english, we had to write on Great Expectations. being in the throes of a blinding, disemboding passion for the Subject, i composed, against all sense and or logic, a
well-reasoned, carefully thought-through piece on how Miss Havisham needs to rape Pip in order to free her from the spell of frozen time set in place when she was jilted on her wedding nite.
ridiculous? oh, i know.
but my reward was an A, and in my skool, that was nothing to sneeze at. that teacher ended up writing me a rec.that perhaps lubed my way into college. i’m grateful; but i can’t forget that to obtain that elusive, precious acknowledgement of effort and intelligence, that “A”, i had to write a pretty bullshit essay that has colored the novel for me ever since. not that it was ever one of my favorites; still. .
goddamn, what am i babbling about? i have to go to film again in a second. (penn)becca is supposed to come over this afternoon — should be exciting. i need to pick my 4th class. my life is good. this place is like a jello mold and we’re all chunks of fruit, dropped in and so thoroughly enclosed that we forget anything else ever existed. … well, not quite. i miss my folks. maybe i just need to pretend i don’t.
have i mentioned how bizarre it is to live w/o a working watch or a mirror? we have little shoulders-up mirrors but no full length ones, nothing that gives you a sense of how you look. just wandering around the barn becomes easier, then — you don’t have to worry about running into a reminder that you’re sloppy or tired or half-dressed. but before one ventures to the outside world, it helps to be reassured that you’re decent. all i have are people’s impressions, and even the most honest folks surely can’t be counted on to be that objective … *sigh* this just stems from the fact that i’m wearing a shirt becca bought me and i’m feeling self-conscious.
last nite joel, a friend of his, and i made a wonderful makeshift dinner. since we’re nearly out of groceries and our fuses are still faulty, we did a lot of improvising (borrowing yogurt, substituting soymilk to make half the dish vegan, baking in the toaster) but it was fun and it came out well. so far i’ve only been to sharples, the dining hall, once. i suppose once i’m outfitted w/ points that number will rise — being moneyless limits my options. but making actual food, like last nite’s tandoori and curry and spinach and stuff, kicks ass.
two more classes this morning, stat and american politics, both of which seem all right. politics actually seems like it’ll rock; prof has a very dry sense of humor and a clear liberal bent. good mix. i have quakerism in a minute, then after my only substantial break today (2 hours), a meeting w/ the foreign study office guy and then film from 7 – 10. christ. on the non-scholastic side of things, i’m halfway thru Crying of Lot 49 so that i’ll have some pynchon under my belt. and i wrote my first film review of the semester last nite, on ghost world. i fussed more than i usually do b/c it’s number one both for su wu, my new editor, and for this new semester.
i should just walk around wearing pup tents, never look up, and never try anything. i am way too ridiculously afraid of being judged.
just finished attending my very first class here (Murder!) the prof is a sweet guy who’s probably gay and who you can tell really enjoys the material. he gets this cute half-concealed sadistic smile anytime he talks about how hard the course is. the composition of the class is as interesting as the stuff itself. there are a bunch of people who i know superficially who i’d like to know better, and sometimes the best way to do that is by hearing them discuss. and there’s one brave frosh who seems cool — ross and i chatted her up. so, yeah, so: 1 for 1, i think.
in an hour, i’m going to go try a religion class called Religious Literature: from the Song of Songs to something about Hindu saints. i have three religion classes that i’m considering, and/or stat w/ becca. theoretically i could take 5 classes but it might be a serious pain in the ass, especially since no one is particularly lightweight. we’ll see. it would be fun to take religion and stat is necessary at some point to fulfill my last math/science requirement (whahoo!)
last nite our power in half the apartment went out. luckily i was one of the fortunate ones; unluckily, our fridge was not.
before that, i showed joel and becca my bday presents. we blew up the blowup doll, dressed him in a slip and took turns posing and taking compromising photographs; tried to find batteries for the sea-green contraption; and read thru the kama sutra like the mature, experienced adults we are. then we went to see the graduate on campus, which is a tradition, mostly for freshmen and seniors, who cheer and clap everytime benjamin says he has no direction or anne bancroft looks sexy (in other words, often.) i’ve never seen a better movie about alienation.
“gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound — i’m just gonna get my feet wet until i drown …” — miss ani. who, tho lovely, is nothing like miss annie, who it sounds like is not perfectly spacklelessly happy yet so let’s all wish her the truest of true loves for her place, shall we?
that goes for all my summer chiclets, scattered as they are far and wide across the northeastern corner. from those farthest south (UMD i guess: hallo folks!) to, uh, NYU? no, northhampton!
which reminds me: ross and i were talking about which classes to take this morning and he decided to audit one of mine, Murder in a Mill Town. it’s social history of America b/w the rev. war and the civil war. he wrote it down on his little piece of paper as “Murder!” and i commented that that word just doesn’t look the same w/o the exclamation point.
i’m writing this now from ben’s new room. there’s a huge red framed picture of marx, engels, and lenin above the bed; it’s funny and creepy at the same time. for now tho i’m facing the white-noncinderblock wall and the window that looks out on the nicest quad on campus. ahh, to be a junior w/ a good lottery number. not that the barn is anything to sneeze at, especially since we’ve painted it peach medley and lavendar and cleaned and swept and scoured and entertained! (dinner party last nite: what a trip) and hung up posters and pictures and started work on the hallway’s knickknack (wow too many k’s in that word) shelf.
for those of you who are confused, maybe i should compose a cast of characters: the new folk of whom i’ll be writing for next interval. So We Have:
ben. the bunny. one year older, a bio/english(?) major, living in a 2-room double w/ rob, who has a throaty chuckle and malcolm x glasses and boatloads of asian art and books around. last year rob roomed w/ ruby, aka matt rubin, who’s my year and a character: everyone on campus has at least heard of him, possibly resents him for one thing and has forgiven him for something else, but that’s what happens when you’re not only one of a very small number of republicans on campus and vocal about it to boot. last year, ruby went to italy over break w/ my roommate jocelyn aka jolly, who’s charming and stylish in a chattering way and has more STUFF than anyone i know. this year, jolly’s living in willets, the ghetto dorm, near marc, who was originally supposed to live w/ ruby last year but that plan miscarried, thank god — marc ended up alone in a double. but he has enuf energy and flamboyance for two, especially once the alcohol starts flowing or someone turns on the madonna. also occasionally fueled by likker is mariah, who last year lived across the hall from joc and me and who this year will essentially be living w/ kent, her boyfriend, in another apartment in the barn. she’s driven, political, very put together, often loud and more often laughing.
then there are the barnies: ross also possibly an english major — certainly a unique individual — loves music, loves to dance; rebecca, tall, dramatic, 1940’s beauty type, who likes projects and unconventional color combinations; and joel, who i know least well: he’s unselfconscious and sweet in an boyish way. but smart. they’re all smart.
that’ll do for now. there are others, of course, but i’ll identify them as they come onto the scene.
the last few days have been lovely. family time in the barn, lots of bonding, including Dip of the Month — a traditional skinny dip at the midnite when the month changes in the creek in the Crum, our campus forest. we swam under a full moon and emerged to dry ourselves around a bonfire left burning dimly from a freshman activity. then becca and i returned home still in towels; the boys, dressed, walked ahead.
and we have phone service! finally. goddamned verizon took forever to come thru. i’ll email y’all the number as soon as i get it. now i should figure out what movie i’m going to see to review or whether i should do an old one, apocalypse now redux or ghost world. having su wu as my editor makes me nervous.
damn this is long. i guess i’ve been influenced: this morning, the barnies, ben, and i were sitting around reading rilke poetry and Moby Dick. oh man. welcome to swat.
i’ve been out of commission. paint fumes, lysol, sweat, w/ one or two scented candles throwing their weight around — that’s the smell of the barn where i’ve been spending nearly all my waking hours, to the extent that coming to campus is a Big Deal. just today, after lunch on the porch, ross and i decided to Come to Campus, and we had to get dressed, redo hair, grab bags, and smooth the butterflies in our stomachs. and i’m only barely exagerating.
still, tho we have much left to do, the barn reflects the effort we’ve been putting in. our common room is now a bright peach; the trim will soon be cream. my room looks more acceptable (i.e.: more like me.) my mattress came as promised, tho we have yet to get phone service (may verizon grow like a turnip w/ its head in the ground and its legs in the air.)
mostly the thing that’s restored my optomism and nearly-immortal good cheer — so alarming absent the last time i wrote — was ben’s arrival. our reunion happened in public, coincidentally, and was witnessed, if not applauded, by the whole freshman class. i can’t even put into words the relief, the just general gooey happiness i felt to be w/ him again. two months is two long.
meetings start tonite. classes, monday. stress, soon — i can already smell it in the air, like you can smell storms. i’m doing my best not to let things phase me. w/ any luck, all this craziness will sort itself out. everything … will be … okay.