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my dog threw up on my sweatshirt this afternoon (i guess i deserved it for throwing the sweatshirt on her head, if not for constantly calling her Dip.) i can hear the washing machine quietly digesting the stain in the next room.

today was packed and fun. lana came over friday post-shabbes. i fell asleep not long after. it was my first platonic nite in over a week; i was exhausted. this morning, i woke her up w/ eddie from ohio, who remind me eternally of summertime. breakfasted w/ the newspaper, grandpa’s challah and mom’s baked apples, and then off we scooted w/ judah to his very first publik skool football game. on the way, lana pointed out that i seemed to be expecting a scene from rural ohio, not d.c. she was right: all the players, all the cheerleaders but one, all the members of the marching band except one drummer and the fat bereted tuba player, and virtually all the folks in the stands were black. judah is small and pale; and if that wasn’t conspicuous enuf, he was wearing a shirt w/ large hebrew letters on the back. still he seemed unfazed.

lana and i were more interested in watching the cheerleaders than the game itself, in which very little happened, football being the most boring american sport. there were three varieties of girls: the official cheerleaders, who wore the team colors and pranced around; what we called the RoboCop girls who were decked out in shiny silver body stockings and boots and pranced around w/ flags; and inexplicable girls in white skin-tight tanktops and booty-shorts who pranced around miming having sex with the air in front of them. lana and i discussed (a) objectification, (b) that we felt bad for the girls who bulged out between the skimpy sections, (c) that maybe we should feel worse b/c these girls didn’t seem to have issues; *we* did, (d) feminism, and (e) how different all this was from jds.

everyone was eating the hamburgers and slices of pepperoni pizza sold near the bleachers except for the white couple directly in front of us who unwrapped yuppie sandwiches from corner bakery.

we wandered off before the game ended, altho we later surmised that “we” won. judah showed us more of the skool. funny that he’s the only one of the three of us who ends up getting a normal experience. he seems to be taking the good (computer classes, a cool curriculum) w/ the bad (metal detectors, cops).

went home and watched Truth About Cats and Dogs, which, along w/ WHMS, has the male protagonist i’m most in love w/. he’s funny, artsy and cute, and he goes for jeneane garofolo. what more could one ask? jamie joined us & we ended up in adams morgan for ethiopian dinner followed by chilling at Tryst. back at lana’s, we gushed over her finally found-and-developed pictures and grabbed doubles. much discussion: how are skool folk different from home folk; how have we changed; bunnies. typical fuelo talk. they asked me who i vent to at skool. i realized i don’t really vent to anyone — then i found myself venting to them.

as always, it was refreshing and lovely. tomorrow i head back, to write grants and be apprehensive about getting papers back and start rehearsals on the show. so much traveling between worlds. so surreal.

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okay, now i’m in d.c. sheisse, so much traveling. i’m tired of lugging that ugly green bag around (technically ben lugged it around nyc for me this morning but still, i’m tired of looking at it.) we roused ourselves early to go to Jazz At Noon, this group of cheerful geriatrics that has been performing for thirty years. ross’s granddad sings. ross ben ross’s grandma and i clustered around a table w/ ross’s great aunt harriet, hailing from berkeley, and another ny couple whose relation to the rest of us i didn’t quite catch. no matter. we had a cheerful if mediocre lunch. ben and harriet talked war. the lady of the couple, who was across from me, gathered my information. she might have a job for me in nyc in the summer. ben, ross, ross’s girlfriend alyssa, and i are considering sharing an apartment in the city — ross’s grandparents have one to spare. i’m skeptical.

used the train ride to reflect. well, first ross and i had a trademark conversation; he deboarded at philly, and for the next two hours, i reflected. it really was a great trip. i told my dad about it after he picked me up at union station. i omitted the playing strip card games part, which left me in my underwear rather quickly b/c (a) i was drunk and (b) i have little aptitude for competitive things to begin w/. the boys disrobed mostly out of fairness. it was very comfortable, sitting around mostly-naked watching the snow fall. i told my dad about the drinking — i knew he wouldn’t care — including the fact that i mixed possibly the worst bloody marys in recorded history. ben to comfort me said, “what does Joy of Cooking know about bloody marys anyway?” the margaritas i made previous to that were better. ben made us white russians but we were eating chips and salsa by that point and that’s a revolting combination.

tuesday, when we arrived, and thursday, when we left, the weather was as sharp and clear as a chime. wednesday, our full day, was alternately soggy and harsh. we braved its bipolarity to trek to the general store for tortillas which they didn’t have. didn’t matter. the cold made us giddy and we sang against the wind all the way home. it was a very condensed day: ben and i didn’t emerge til 2, and by 8, i was soused. in between we played monopoly and ping pong. ross baked excellent apple pie and bruschette.

what else. some reading, some publik radio. it seems like a short stay but it wasn’t so much. the weather seemed happy to see us and happy to see us go; i guess we were there the right length of time. i’ll add more details as i remember them. for now i have to go talk to my grandparents. finally, after so much time w/ other people’s, my own family.

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well! i’m back in galynker country, sitting in ben’s mom’s house’s basement w/ ben & ross. ben drove up and back (like lana did lo those many months ago to falconridge …) this time at the end of the journey we were greeted by the wooden house on the island that up til that point i only sorta believed existed. well! not only is it there, it is as beautiful as advertised, in a totally remote tiny little town, surrounded by water that ben revealed is only blue b/c it reflects the sky (friends, even if, as per the “transmogrification” conversation below, you think i’m dippy, i hope you realize i’m not that dumb.) (and for the record, i remembered it was “transubstantiation” 15 minutes into the carride but there was nothing i could do about it then.)

anyway, we had a fabulous parent-free time about which i will expound at length later. so, doubtlessly, will they. it will yet another postmodern metameta thing. i can’t wait. for now, i need to sleep. tomorrow we head into the city for jazz at noon, featuring ross’s grandfather, and then ross and i train it out of here. i’m getting back in time for shabbes dinner. saturday i’m accompanying judah, my little brother, to his and my first high skool football game. he had his first day of his new (publik) skool yesterday and he called me in the mountains, exuberant at how well it’d gone. thank god, thank god. they allowed him a schedule of virtually all the things he likes: computers, math, and science. my dad is apparently still stewing about lawsuits. i doubt that’ll happen. who has the energy, let alone the time? it’s more important for judah to just get on w/ things — that seems to be the consensus.

so! last note: i now have another blog as well, a joint one: hesitant firmness. the four of us represent all four regions of the country: ne, s, midwest, and west. we’re all collegiate and friendly and much fun should be had by all.

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well, bunny’s typing away on one computer, posting, so i may as well use my time efficiently. after our walk around chappaqua, ross ben and i came back to ben’s mom’s house (i am never ever putting my children thru divorce. not that i’m having children. but i digress.) and watched the first two episode’s of a monty python flying circus dvd we rented. we also got touch of evil which we’re saving for tomorrow. around this time, ross finally got in touch w/ ruby who, expectedly, weaseled out of the arrangement. (“weaseling out of things is a very important skill to learn, son. it’s what separates us from the animals…. except the weasels” — homer simpson) just as expectedly, ross got upset.

we drove down to scarsdale anyway so that we could all dine w/ ross’s grandparents. it was my second set of the day, having brunched w/ ben’s earlier. i like grandparents: they’re more relaxed than parents, generally, and they care less about whether they like you and consequently more often do. the pressure is off. ross’s grandparents took us to chinese (‘david’s jade palace’ — could that fly anywhere but in new york?) staffed by the most animated waiters i’ve ever encountered. the fella taking our order sat down w/ us, sighing about how tired he was.

after, we returned to their chateau, and ben finally got the final word from his father on the adirondacks. it’s a go (ross and i danced in the kitchen, imitating the ministry of silly walks we’d watched earlier.) we leave tuesday. ross and ben dueted in celebration. r.’s grandma and i sat watching, and i told her the time they spend playing piano together is the only time it’s certain they won’t quarrel.

now we’re back; tired; in better moods. my mouth still tastes like chinese food which i don’t often eat. it’s too heavy for me; there’s too much sauce. but it was a fun evening. there’s a fun roundtable happening at the parish where the minister is oddly awol. i wonder if one can be a vegetarian and a catholic. or, more precisely, if one can take mass and be a catholic. is the whole flesh/blood thing an issue?

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this has to be quick as we’re in the middle of the chappaqua publik library. last time i was here we didn’t get to see chappaqua proper so now we’re getting a thorough tour. ross is still with us — he’s going back to scarsdale, where his grandparents is, this afternoon. ruby will be there and the idea is that he and ross and ruby’s friend will drive up to the adirondacks. the jury is still out on whether or not ben will have a car in which he and i can make the trip. since ruby is returning so quickly, ross definitely wants us to come so that we can drive back later, at our leisure.

if it doesn’t happen, i don’t know what i’ll do. family dynamics are stressful and i kinda feel like if i’m going to have to deal w/ them, i may as well deal w/ my own. i was planning to go back to dc this coming weekend anyway; i could just go early. spend some quality time at umd w/ the fuelos. or return to the barn and chill there, venture into the city, see a lot of movies. i could also keep imposing on ben’s parents — blah. i just want something calm and cool and thoughtless; i need recuperation time.

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magically, at some point during the day, my enduring headache got bored of tormenting me and wandered off. it might have also been just having five hours or so of No Stress, b/w working out break plans (heading off to ny tonite, will stay w/ the bunny, then up to wanakena w/ him, ross, and ruby) and now. we barnies went walking at one point and ended up in the company of my sclp group, the do-gooders, who were in a circle on parrish beach (a big ol’ stretch of grass) around organic peanut butter, whole-grain bread, baby carrots, and a few kinds of chocolate. we chilled w/ them for a while, laughing, lazing, enjoying the sunshine. bliss. saw rabi departing and almost yelled “hello!” as per instructions but she was too far away and firmly sealed off in earphones.

now we’re making instant-dinner. at 8:30, the bunny and pop will swing back to pick us up. the only dark spot in all of this is that, while packing, i found my long-unconsulted tarot cards. i am not a superstitious or spiritual person; still, i’m perversely, irrationally attached to my cards. and they did not portend entirely good things. often it’s hard to figure out precise meanings til later. before this semester, for example, i did a bunch of readings and the chariot, a card that means “war” and which i’d never gotten before, kept appearing. didn’t make any sense to me. now of course it does.

so i started doing spreads and got a little spooked. the tower is not a pretty card and it popped up twice. it stands for drastic changes, revelations, upheaval, etc. i’m at such a comfortable point in my life (this past week aside) that that’s far from what i want. i guess i’ll just have to see.

also got some of the good, stable cards, the ones i’m more used to (wheel of fortune, two of cups, eight of pentacles [twice each], ace of swords.) that last refers to retreat, solitude, calm. word.

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eating Newman-O’s to elvis costello. they don’t taste as good as oreos but they aren’t put out by hellbound philip-morris and besides, as ross got them in the mail today they were free.

free like i’m free! like we’re all free! except i have the durned headache, i’m giddy. all decked out in shades of purple, which is my manifestation of happiness. dinner in the city tonite. later, bday party for the k-ster. becca was in bed with eBoy this morning when i called. hilarious. bunny has fallen off the face of the planet, or at least off a building.

“the universe has no rules. it has habits. and habits can be broken”

— and —

“a sense of humor, properly developed, is better than any religion yet devised”

(wisdom courtesy of tom robbins, Jitterbug Perfume)

that first means that anything’s possible. anything: immortality, true love, two objects occupying the same space, flight (“the knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss”), going backwards in time, writing books of poetry that actually get read. it can happen.

my favorite authors have always tended to be the folks who embraced that philosophy and didn’t let themselves be constrained by physics or reality. having never learned physics, i wonder, am i subject to it?

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magnetic fields song that’s been in my head all day:

LET’S PRETEND WE’RE BUNNY RABBITS

If you knew how I long for you now that you’re gone

you’d grow wings and fly home to me home tonight

and in the morning sun let’s pretend we’re

bunny rabbits Let’s do it all day long Let abbots,

Babbits and Cabots say Mother Nature’s wrong

and when we’ve had a coupla beers we’ll put on

bunny suits I long to nibble your ears and do

as bunnies do Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits

Let’s do it all day long rapidly becoming rabid

singing little rabbit songs I can keep it up all night

I can keep it up all day Let’s pretend we’re bunny

rabbits until we pass away Let’s pretend we’re

bunny rabbits until we pass away

i’m done w/ my papers. all of them. done. can’t think about them anymore. still have stat hw and a few sorta housekeepingy things but then i’m done, man, DONE. ready for break.

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there’s something wrong w/ the counter on the Thoughts? link. new thoughts show up but they’re not counted. don’t be weirded out; your comments didn’t disappear. it’s just a blogger phantom playing tricks making it look like they did.

bigger problem: adam, my older brother, just called to inform me that my little brother was just kicked out of skool. he made a list during class of all the kids who were picking on him and another “enterprising young lad” (adam’s words — he can be a very colorful orator) gave it to an administrator calling it a hit list. the skool panicked and expelled my brother more or less on the spot. my dad’s in new mexico and my mom was working. they didn’t even conference w/ my parents or wait til they were there and could take him home. apparently my little brother told my older brother he planned to WALK to 14 miles. he was furious; there’s no reasoning w/ my little brother when he’s furious. adam smells law suit — both my parents are lawyers. he’s near-furious too. i don’t have the capacity for fury right now, altho i acknowledge it’s outrageous. as adam said, the damn skool has permanently tarnished his reputation. he doesn’t own a gun, has never shot or even held a gun. he’s no threat to anyone. it’s preposterous.

adam thinks time, newsweek, washington post. i think poli sci paper. because what i am supposed to do? how can i, from 90 miles away, possibly help?

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to no one’s surprise, i broke down last nite. left the apartment to keep from exploding at becca; sat on the porch instead, hoping i wouldn’t wake anyone up on the first floor. told myself after a while that i was being ridiculous and wasting time so i made it back upstairs. subsequently broke down again as i searched desperately for my little address/phone book. poor joel who didn’t really know me prior to living w/ me this semester was trying his best to help, following me around the apartment asking helpfully “do you think it could be here?” and “where was the last place you saw it?” as tho i was rational enuf to answer.

i gave up the search, tried lana, left a trembling message, and found myself in the kitchen corner facing the screen door. becca calmed me down enuf to go to sleep. i woke up feeling less outwardly crazy but still an internal mess. little things make me jump. i mistook the time of my class and sat sweating in kohlberg uncomprehending how or why the schedule had changed until jonah explained. made it to poli sci where i faked coherence for an hour. maybe it was the barely-restrained hysteria somehow but it seemed to make more sense today. and he gave me an extention (sort of.) i can hand in the paper after 6 tonite or even tomorrow. i can do that. that pushed the hysteria farther down.

still i’m very much on the brink and the feeling that the folks around me all are too doesn’t help. i want to call people, elsewherefolks who could conceivably be sane, but i still can’t find my phone/address book. so it goes.