Category Archives: politix

books, our sarah, politix

Aftermath

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Post-election, life feels strange. It lacks urgency, lacks tension. Part of me feels compelled to stake out bars near off-off-Broadway theaters to try to find some High Drama friends to help make up the difference.

Instead, I’m joining a Swarthmore alumni book group whose curriculum is set by a current prof. You know who could have been an alum but isn’t? Barack Obama. True story! This both adds value to my degree and subtracts value from it, since I *was* accepted, but who could care about having been chosen by a place with such poor taste?

It does allow me to picture an alternate universe in which Obama is a Swattie, though. He graduates, as my friend Rebecca E. put it, full of “relentless criticism and liberal despair.” He spends a summer working at an alternative camp for disadvantaged city children; this inspires him to join Teach for America, where he meets a cute fellow teacher, a Peruvian-American anarchist. They get married in West Philly, where they set up house and grow food in an urban garden. Every once in a while Barack feels a disembodied itch to be doing something more significant with his life, for which his wife chides him and then asks him to remember to stir the compost.

Of course, he still has holes in the bottoms of his shoes.

Speaking of High Drama types, poor Sarah Palin. Yeah, that’s right. I have now argued with one brother and two parents about this, and I’ll argue with you too if necessary. (At least Flea agrees with me.) Flinging anonymous shit at a person is WRONG, no matter how stupid and possibly evil that person is. Maybe it’s true that Our Sarah didn’t know what countries were in NAFTA or that Africa was a continent. Our President has a pretty iffy track record himself.

As I see it, McCain’s people paired an ambitious, attractive, charismatic woman with an old man to draw audiences, using her the same way Winona Ryder, ScarJo, and Catherine Zeta-Jones have been used (mostly with the same meager results). They spruced her up to get her camera-ready and fed her already healthy ego by putting her in front of adoring crowds while keeping bad news — and the press — far from her.

When their plan backfired, thanks in no small part to Katie Couric and Tina Fey, the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to return her to Alaska and thank her for her service, not leak blind, spiteful quotes to a Fox news reporter. “Jerks” is a kind word for what these staffers are; they should dream of being hanged by their tongues and wake up screaming. Not that I wish them any harm.

politix, the best night of 2008

The Liveblog That Wasn’t

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I was supposed to liveblog Election Night, the best night of my or anyone’s life, and unfortunately I couldn’t. Here, as a substitute, is a reconstruction — a retroactive liveblog! — of the events that prevented me from liveblogging. (I know. The internets are too amazing.)

6:45 AM: Mr. Ben and I wake up simultaneously, look at each other, and agree to run to the polls.

7:15 AM: We arrive at P.S. 282, check out all the people in front of us, and hope that waiting in line to vote is as patriotic as paying taxes.

8:00 AM: I pull the lever for Mr. Barack Obama.

8:01 AM: I realize I forgot to say a little prayer while inside the voting booth. Silently, I recite the sh’ma.

9:00 AM: Go to work.

9:30 AM – 5:00 PM: Read lots and lots of coverage. Begin feeling ill. Take a break from the computer; walk around the block. Return.

5:10 PM: Yup, definitely ill. Hide in the conference room where it’s dark and cool.

5:30 PM: Still hiding. Chipper McCheerful keeps me company, saying reassuring things.

5:35 PM: Mr. Ben and Rebecca appear to say more reassuring things. We watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother — I am gambling on the curative powers of Neil Patrick Harris.

6:00 PM: NPH has failed me. We decide to take a cab home.

6:05 PM: Hail a cab.

6:06 PM: Throw up in the cab.

6:07 PM: Sit on the Union Square curb next to a pile of my vomit looking at my stained suede boots. Mr. Ben runs to get cleaning supplies. People pass by and laugh, “Hey, look! That girl just threw up in the cab!” The driver shakes his head at me and mutters about drunks. Mentally I browse through low moments in my life to see where this one ranks.

6:30 PM – 11:00 PM: Shivering on the bathroom floor in green-tinted misery.

11:05 PM: Mr. Ben checks my phone, which has been receiving text after text. “We won,” he tells me gently.

11:15 PM: I throw up one last time in celebration and finally go to sleep. All night, I dream of my stomach and Pennsylvania, which have somehow fused to become one anxiety-causing entity. I blame John McCain.

office, politix

why my office is amazing

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NEW CTO: What is this bullshit? This is bullshit!
ME: I’m so glad we have a straight talker in our office now.
NEW CTO: I’m sorry. I apologize. I know, the language, I know. Anyone offended, send me an anonymous email … and I’ll write back to say, “Go fuck yourself.”
CHIPPER McCHEERFUL: All this swearing makes me antsy, but only because I’m such a square.

Man, this is so much better than [the Very Important Talent Agency I worked at for a year]. People there were cursing all the time but it was more along the lines of, “You know that girl? Yeah, I’d fuck that girl. You think she’s pretty, or hot, or just attractive? Yeah, me too. Fuck. Yeah.”

Or, my favorite, overheard through a closed door: “No, Mom, fuck YOU.”

Also, two of the projects that I spearheaded for my current, less emotionally-abusive office are now online. Check out the .pdf that will entrance guidance counselors throughout this great land, whispering to them seductively about the glories of the site, and the Guide to Sinners and Saints 2008 which groups 42 colleges according to which deadly sins or heavenly virtues they represent. Also, it has llamas!

PS: This post was not about the election. Aren’t you impressed?

PPS: The election is less than 24 hours away and it actually looks like the good guys might prevail for once. WHAT WILL THAT BE LIKE? Will sunshine grow on trees and water gurgle with diamonds? Will I be able to eat chocolate again? Will my older brother, who was born on Tuesday, November 4th, 1980, finally be revenged for having had to share his birthday with the election of Ronald Reagan?

politix

Choose your own adventure!

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There are precious few days left until the election, as you might know if, like me, you were in Prospect Park on Sunday afternoon, basking in sunlight and in *not* thinking about the election for a moment, and you got a call on your cell phone from an Obama volunteer. The media is crazier than Ashley Todd these days — screaming, running in circles, and flapping its hands. This is only right. I have, however, listened carefully to the mad ramblings and separated them out into three discernible narratives for the endgame. Take your pick.

#1) It’s Obama in a Blowout. State polls throughout October have shown Obama with a clear lead. Right now, CNN gives him 291 electoral votes, E-V.com gives him 364 (down from 375 yesterday), and everyone’s best friend Nate gives him precisely 364.5. Even right-leaning RCP and nonpartisan Pollster acknowledge that in this case reality has a strong liberal bias. How strong? 311.

This storyline is supported by well-respected, neutral pundits like Charlie Cook as well as the most recent Gallup tracking poll, which decided, for Halloween, to get dressed up as Obama’s best numbers ever:

Thursday night’s interviews are the first conducted entirely after Obama’s widely viewed 30-minute prime-time campaign ad, which ran on several television networks Wednesday evening. … Obama’s favorable position among traditional likely voters in the latest polling is partially reflective of his strong position among all registered voters. However, at other times when Obama has led McCain by 11-points among registered voters, his likely voter advantage has been lower than it is now, in the five- to seven-point range. Thus, Obama’s improved likely voter standing also reflects a higher turnout propensity for his supporters than what Gallup has seen at earlier times this month.

Also Obama won some crucial cookie-poll in Ohio.

But if you’re wrinkling your nose at that storyline, don’t despair. Santa has a storyline in his bag of gifts for you:

#2: McCain is Making a Comeback! True, this tonic is primarily being peddled by the McCain campaign itself and has been gently debunked by experts. Still, anything is possible, as the media in general and John Dickerson specifically reminds us.

Could it be true? Of course! Secret racists, undecideds, complacent Barry-lovers, blacks and young people who don’t actually turn up, Jews in Florida getting spooked by Obama’s latest suspect affiliation (that man will hang out with anyone!), or some other October surprise could tilt the race back to the GOP. Never count your chickens, chickens.

#3: Death! That’s right, somebody DIES. I don’t have any fancy links for you on this one, since it’s mostly the narrative constantly running through my own head. These effigies don’t help, either.

But tonight is halloween and I’m dressed as a mini Joan Holloway — in an orange retro wig, an animal print scarf, a dress, a pen necklace, a purse, and a cigarette case — and, in keeping with the character, I’m going to try to focus on the important things at a party tonight: power, sex, and sarcasm. Let’s see how I do!

politix, the jews

"Hit a Jew Day" Goes Terribly Awry

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Middle-school students in Missouri have taken it upon themselves to create “Hit a Jew Day” to brighten the landscape between July 4th and Halloween. Fewer than 10 children were affected, though one was slapped in the face, and another had a cross carved into his cheek. (Just kidding!)

In a first, the ADL declined to overreact, saying only that this was “more than bullying.” Hmm. I think we all need an Outrage-O-Meter. I’ll try to mock one up, but for now I would say that this registers about a 2.5 out of 10. 5 would be “Shooting an Innocent Bear Cub and Dropping Him on a College Campus, Covered in Obama Signs” and 10 would be “Joe Lieberman.”

No doubt this was in response to the news that adorable Israel, sister state of Florida and NY, with all its potential converts to Palin-approved religious cults, is 150% in the tank for Obama. To be fair, though, according to that map, nations everywhere are in the tank — Change We Can Believe In is the one thing India and Pakistan can agree on! War-torn Sudan is a toss-up. Iraq is bright red, presumably with the spilled blood of innocents. Only little Namibia is as excited about John McCain. Even Georgia is only PINK, like the real Georgia!

!!BREAKING!! Ashley Todd, aka the Barack-O-Lantern, didn’t just make up her story of being attacked for being a McCain supporter, she also has self-described “prior mental problems.” When she had to pull a description of her assailant out of thin air, here’s what she said:

Richard said the woman had described her alleged attacker as an African-American, 6 feet 4 inches tall with a medium build and short dark hair, wearing dark clothing and shiny shoes.

Doesn’t that sort of sound like this man?

Perhaps Ms. Todd was subconsciously picturing Obama jumping her since he has been leaving his mark all over Pennsylvania, where she’s been living, volunteering for John McCain. Or maybe she’s just Ashley the Lying Racist Drama Queen.

politix

"everyone dabbled!"

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It’s been an overcast day in my heart—my hilarious, creative, totally stressball friends, who have been staying with me all week, are winging their way back to pinko Georgia. Farewell! Thanks for leaving me alone with my poll-tracking obsession and DVD 3 of “John Adams” from Netflix, which should come with tissues. Every episode somehow turns me into emotional applesauce. Stick a flag in me: I’m done.

A professional disappointment and rejection or two haven’t helped, either. But the Ellen clip above made me smile, and so did this poignant photo collection of Obama in the early days of his campaign.

The subtitle reads: “… he asked me if I was photographing his shoes. When I said yes, he told me that he had already had them resoled once since he entered the race a year earlier.” That’s especially worth thinking about on a day where the RNC is all over the news for spending $150,000 on wardrobe and makeover for Sarah Palin. Also it reminded me of something Mr. Ben would do and it made me love Barry all the more.

politix, race

A National Conversation About Race

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Tell me again why anyone thinks it would be a good idea to embark on a national conversation about race. The NYT turned over that stone last week and I yelped as though I’d seen a cockamouse. NYMag has done it; Time has done it. And, of course, there’s that widely circulating story: a volunteer approaches a house in a swing state and asks the woman at the door for whom she’s voting. Her husband answers from within the house, “We’re voting for the nigger!” “We’re voting for the nigger,” she repeats politely.

Today this “conversation,” or “horror show,” continues. On Sunday, Colin Powell gave a stirring, pointed denouncement of John McCain’s campaign and endorsed Barack Obama as a “transformational figure.” Democrats high-fived and Republicans signaled the bartender for another round. And then it turned ugly.


The charming cartoonist who depicted our former Secretary of State as a black Benedict Arnold also said the following:

“The only reasonable explanation for such a public political “about-face” in the midst of this important election is that Colin Powell, perhaps understandably, wishes to see someone who looks like himself in the White House.

“It’s my opinion that General Powell has based his endorsement of Barack Obama on the color of his skin, not his qualifications, his experience or the content of his character.”

Neither is he the only one to jump to that particular conclusion. Rush Limbaugh expressed his disappointment in similar terms:

“Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race. OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

“I was also unaware of his dislike for John Roberts, Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy and Antonin Scalia. I guess he also regrets Reagan and Bush making him a four-star and secretary of state and appointing his son to head the FCC. Yes, let’s hear it for transformational figures.”

Wonkette also published highlights from the wingnut response, including the following:

— I’m not surprised that Powell has endorsed a Chicago street thug over a real American hero either. “How ‘bout some ‘blow’ General? Then we’ll go help ACORN register some more ‘voters’.”
— This is why you don’t let traitors in your midst. They are capable of doing far more harm than good.
— Clown Powell showed us his true colors with his endorsement of this communist weasel. He just spit in the face of the military he supposedly cares about.
— Oh please….he’s black and he is endorsing one of his brothers…just too obvious. It’s not hard for the everyday American to understand.
— Planet of the APes mentality..”Monkey supports monkey”..

All this despite the fact that Powell contributed the maximum allowable, $2,300, to McCain’s campaign last year and only recently came around to Obama.

Colin Powell worked so hard for so long to transcend his skin color and be seen as a person. By and large, he succeeded: if he wanted, he could probably have been our first black president. At the end of an illustrious career, he’s been reduced to just another brother. And you know how brothers get treated, especially when they try to vote.

politix

A Guide to Bellwethers

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You can’t swing a baseball bat in an election year without hitting a bellwether, or so it’s beginning to seem. Here is a collection of the bellwethers that people SWEAR will determine the election this November:

1. The state of Missouri. ACCURACY: “Missouri is a traditional bellwether that has picked every presidential contest since 1960” and “all but one election since 1904.” ADVANTAGE: Currently: Obama. But everyone knows Missouri is full of white people who are totally unreliable!

[Obama] he will have to overcome latent racism among rural whites, an element more than one expert described as an “unknown quantity” in Missouri particularly because residents have seen so few black candidates run for state or national office.

2. Chillicothe, Ohio. ACCURACY: “No Republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio … Inside the bellwether state is the bellwether town of Chillicothe, a town that often mirrors the state’s election results.” Often? How scientific. ADVANTAGE: Split. Ohio in general is pretty blue these days, though.

3. Hillsborough County, Florida. ACCURACY: Doesn’t say. Its claim to be a bellwether may be bullshit. Still, it’s Florida, which we know is an important state. Let it stand. ADVANTAGE: Currently Obama.

Obama not only won 49 percent of women voters, to McCain’s 43 percent, but he captured a plurality of male voters, beating McCain 45 percent to 39 percent.

Florida’s looking pretty good too — the conservatives are freaking out! and even Gov. Charlie Crist, still pouting about not being tapped for Veep, went to Disney World instead of helping McCain! — but I don’t trust it. FL’s biggest import is old white people, and they are even more racist than regular white people.

4. The size of the candidates. Apparently the bigger candidate almost always wins, except when the smaller/lighter candidate is George W. Bush, who is a magical elf. ADVANTAGE: Obama has several inches and about 15 lbs on McCain. But Teddy Roosevelt was shorter than the other guy in 1904 and won, and was heavier than the other guy in 1912 but lost. What a maverick. (BTW: Who knew Roosevelt ran again in ’12? I didn’t and I majored in American History!)

5. The Scholastic kids election. ACCURACY: “Since 1940, the results of the student vote in the Scholastic Election Poll (online voting was added in 2000) have mirrored the outcome of the general election, except twice: in 1948 when students chose Thomas E. Dewey over Harry S. Truman and in 1960 when more students voted for Richard M. Nixon than John F. Kennedy.” E for Effort, kidlets. ADVANTAGE: Colbert.

Boys favored Obama 49% to 46% for McCain, while girls chose Obama more definitively, 57% to 39%. Rounding out this year’s vote, 4% of students voted for other candidates, the highest percentage of write-in votes in the history of the poll. Student write-ins included Senator Hillary Clinton, Congressman Ron Paul, Independent candidate Ralph Nader, and a handful of votes for television personality Stephen Colbert.

ALSO: Obama, who is like Colbert in that he is young and looks good on the teevee.

BONUS FUN: I say the real bellwether is just what folks expect to happen. So what do Republicans think will happen this year?

“A poll of 100 leading Republican political consultants by the conservative National Journal found that 80 believe Mr McCain will lose the election, while the remaining 20 think it could go either way.”

Margin of error: +/- 20%.

Three nerve racking weeks to go! Bellwethers are known to be all mavericky so there will be no counting of chickens. Also, did I miss any, also? Feel free to point out your favorite other ways we can tell what’s going to happen and so don’t need to bother to vote.

politix

Hate Hater Hatererers

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Speaking of hate, here are some videos to illustrate what an inept and amateurish hater I am compared to the professionals out there.

I call this one “Palin Supporters Heckle ‘Commie Faggots.'” Its proper title is “Sidewalk to Nowhere” and its filmed on-site in godly Bethlehem, PA.

Then there’s this one from Blogger Interrupted, filmed in a Strongville, OH parking lot outside a Palin rally. The word “terrorist” is thrown around an awful lot. Also the word “bloodlines.” These must be the small-town values of which I have heard tell.

ANGRY, the word journalists are using, feels like a euphemism when used to describe this. (And this shit does not help!) Hopefully the Secret Service is paying attention to the threat posed by some of the disgruntled, possibly unhinged people who consider Obama a terrorist socialist who actually has a chance to win.

ETA: Oh! Apparently McCain has heard my knees knocking with fear and has moved to calm the crowds. That’s something, anyway.