FROM MCCABE (the swarthmore library): isn’t that tremendously exciting? i don’t know about you but i’m quivering w/ antici– [say it! say it!] –pation.

maybe that was too sarcastic. i’m tired. it’s hard to think straight: i’ve been inhaling soft scrub fumes all day. i woke up this morning at 7:15, alone, in a blue room that didn’t feel like mine, alone, looking at a corner that seemed IKEA-perfect: neutral-colored desk, see-thru wastebasket, grey computer inoffensive enuf to look like a catalogue decoy. alone. my mother had fallen asleep next to me and i knew she was planning on leaving earlyearly morning, but i expected to wake up when she did to say goodbye. i didn’t, and there are few things more depressing than being one person in a bed when you had hours before been one of two.

i just sat there for a while. i wrote. eventually i pulled out the book i was reading, got a bowl of dry cereal from the kitchen and curled up w/ my husband chair. that satisfied me for a while except that the book i was reading didn’t agree w/ me. it’s supposedly a scathing indictment of academia and political correctness; a satire; a sharp, perceptive character study. i just found it exhausting. worse, the author’s writing style reshaped my thoughts for the next couple hours — that always happens — and drove me mad. but the barnies awoke and we met, talked, planned. becca and i scrubbed.

right now the rest of them are grocery shopping. i was not so enthused. the prospect of abadoning myself

to the internet seemed much more appealing. i’ll rejoin them later. i wish i were happier. that’ll come later too, i guess, perhaps w/ the bunny, who has yet to hop onto the scene. or perhaps not. but somehow i doubt i’ll be terminally sad here. the smell of disinfectant and paint will fade. so will (perhaps concurrently) my memories of summer.

i got all moody this evening when liz jay and i went to umd to tuck lana into her new life. actually she needed no help from us. unexpectedly, her room has sufficient space for four people — it’s light blue and they’ve done a sweet job decorating and aside from the lack of air-conditioning, it seems very functional. jamie was there to meet us too. she and lana both seemed very settled. nomi joins them tomorrow.

i’m not sure why i got upset. maybe it was just the whole summer’s-ending thing. it was a damn good summer. one can be relatively certain about the past and just as certain that there are no guarantees for the future. i don’t know why i’m so timid. it’ll be different! it’ll be new! it’ll be exciting! but when i look beyond tomorrow morning (packing car, driving off) all i see is white space. a page to be filled in and not-so-much by me.

bah. at least i’m not too stressed from packing: i’ve pretty much got everything under control. the only thing is i don’t remember what size bed i have in my room so i don’t know what size sheets, comforter, &c. to bring. i tried calling but the phone isn’t plugged in yet (note to all thinking of contacting me by phone: call the cell. i’ll have it w/ me and yes, i remembered to pack the recharger so it’ll continue to work and continue and continue like that goddamned energizer bunny.) speaking of bunnies, that’s something to look fwd to — i talked to him tonite; he tried to calm me down. futile. but fun. 🙂 he advised finding something to punch.

it’ll be okay. everything always is.

i have the liz phair song stuck in my head: “go on ahead”:

You go on ahead, honey

You have a good time there

You make me feel funny

I’m no ordinary lover or friend