last nite i read over the poem i wrote in vermont and decided i still liked it. an achievement of sorts since i haven’t written many things this semester whose appeal endured beyond the original few minutes of composition. in celebration of bucking the trend i give you:

cordially

snow white’s stepmother ordered snow white’s

heart, raw and chapped as a February morning,

then sat, with a glint in her eye like headlights

off of February ice on an unexpected mountain turn,

and ate it. I always admired that bit

of cannibalistic competence: there, i thought,

is a woman who gets things done. i imagined

the step-daughter’s heart beating down

the door of the step-mother’s throat. (Disney doctors,

as though playing Operation, plucked that scene

from the movie. Made it that much less Grimm.)

I like to think of the evil queen for a moment

playing hostess to two hearts — minor and major cords

in clashing keys — sick with the pounding, desperate

not to regurgitate the essence of her enemy all

over the kitchen floor and give herself away.

eventually he went, taking my oldest cousin w/ him. they go to skool w/in an hour of each other so they always carpool to thanksgivings. my cousin is a film major; so it’s funny to go to family events b/c all questions about the subject and such are posed to him. he was surprised to hear that i was planning to minor in it. i’m the only girl cousin out of six. the boys range from standing six-inches-taller than i to a foot or so taller and have changed little otherwise since i’ve known them. they’re very polite to me, occasionally stooping to joke about my “veganism,” leftism/pacifism, or feminism. it’s pointless to correct them — i’m accused of not having a sense of humor about myself.

friday i went shopping w/ my mother, my aunt marge (the mother of my cousins who shares a name w/ my mother) and my aunt jane (her lovely never-married manhattanite sister). it was nice to get a break from the cloistered family feeling. everyone from my grandparents down to my little brother is a supervisor: we’re constantly looking over each others’ shoulders, asking what’s up and suggesting better ways to do things. when we’re not micromanaging each other’s affairs, we’re arguing politics/listening to my father lecture; reading new yorkers, newsweeks and sections of the new york times (or books,) sleeping, playing scrabble, watching cnn, or, in the case of the boys, playing video games downstairs. everyone otherwise in sight of everyone else. i read most of truman capote’s in cold blood and started interpreter of maladies, which nearly made me cry. i answered “why copenhagen?” about 25 times, and “how’s ben?” another 20. i tried not to miss the internet or snap at family members. for the most part i was successful.

Have you ever…

Gotten drunk: yup

Gone out wearing your PJ’s: yup — spent a whole day in them once in cty. horrified becca, i’m sure.

Missed school because of rain: my mom believed in mental health days. and senior year, i didn’t even need a reason

Kept a secret from everyone: yup. on the other hand, yesterday i was praised for my “emotional honesty”.

Had a crush on a teacher: kind of. my face turned red when i spoke in his class and he appeared in my dreams sometimes. he also seemed particularly awkward around me. at the end of the year, i gave him a rutabaga wrapped in purple ribbon.

Been on stage: hell yes. i’ve gotten much more timid in my old age, but i used to get a thrill like nothing else walking out in front of an audience.

Favorites:

Shampoo + conditioner: herbal essences (despite the warning someone gave recently that it makes one’s hair fall out) (??)

Town to chill: amsterdam

Cereal: kellogs 19s. the box alone serves as a comfort object.

TV shows: simpsons, sopranos

Movies: gaa, too broad. pulp fiction, fight club, being john malkovich, all that jazz, high fidelity, terms of endearment, chinatown, shawshank redemption, empire records …

Scent: french vanilla; hazelnut

Musicians: ani, tori, alanis, bjork, joni, aimee, jill (it’s like listing smurfs!)

Favorite person to talk to online: michael

First crush: noel airman

What is on your walls: pictures of my friends; sentimentalia; a cool collage my oldest friend’s little sister’s friend made

Ever been skinny dipping: yup

Worst feeling: depression + headache + nausea

Best feeling: having great recent memories and continuing to do things that will produce more

Word or phrase overuse: bite me; your mom. i’m such a kid.

Get along with parents: really well

What are you wearing right now: dark blue shirt from mustard seed over magenta express tank top; jeans; poland socks; docs; my hair down

Are you lonely: oddly, never when i’m blogging

Last 24 Hours…

Been mean: probably. i’m in the process of testing limits w/ people. also i was w/ liz h. this morning

Been sarcastic: see above

Met someone new: kinda —

First thing you thought this morning: i violently didn’t want to wake up, which doesn’t often happen to me

In the future…

Where do you see yourself in 10 years: hopefully in some small-but-cool city on the east coast, writing, w/ a close group of friends, a decent amount of optomism, a college degree, a job, and perhaps a PLTSO

Future son’s name: jake or zev

Future daughter’s name: eleanor, dorothy, morgan, lily, or daria

Where do you want to live when you get married: in a small-but-cool city on the east coast somewhere near my parents

When was the last time you…

Went to the beach at night: in n. carolina w/ lana this past summer

Spent some quality time with yourself: lunch. i finally caught up w/ my real notebook — i hadn’t written substantially in a couple days.

Read a book for fun: stayed up til 2:30 last nite rereading Goblet of Fire

Believed in yourself: oh for god’s sake

returned to the barn to a squealing mass of lanajamie which attacked me on the stairs. (why do people insist they look alike? louisa assumed they were dating) somehow we made it into the apartment, played musical beds until lanajamie and i settled into ross’s bed w/ ben on the couch. saturday morning, we woke at 10:30 and immediately started talking; after a couple hours, we were ready to meet the day, and, adopting becca’s friend geoff b/c (swat)becca was busy and ill, drove into philly to see (penn)becca. we brunched at morning glory, got a flat tire, watched w/ awe as jamie navigated awkward social situations, laughed a lot, reminisced, bought ben a harmonica in the key of e from a fun, sarcastic clerk, and made it home about 5. just in time to deliver ben his harmonica for the bob dylan concert and split up for two pronged shopping ross and becca had left us to do for the party: jamie and geoff to buy liquor since he’s 21; lana and me to buy groceries. the highlight occurred when we passed a squat, aproned employee saying: “he asked me to marry him. i couldn’t tell if he was serious, and i had just come out of the seizure –”

we brought all the stuff home (like $120 worth, all told,) set it up, and borrowed a tape of My So-Called Life episodes to relax. ross and rebecca returned and made signs of the trivia people had sent w/ their RSVPs, as per instructions. the funniest one i thought was “my parents are 1st cousins.” others were striking or funny too. as (good) folks arrived for the party, they spent much time contemplating them in the hallway. they also ate all the food and drank most of the liquor. butbutbut i’m not a fan of parties: they make me kind of irritated b/c i see lots of people i’d love to see individually but can only speak to superficially for like 10 minutes, max, in that kind of setting. for a while, i drank some and the alcohol propelled me thru a number of such encounters. since jamie and lana were not exactly in their element, they retired to my room and changed into pajamas, and before long i joined them, rather relieved. ben returned, glowing, from dylan. by 12:30 i was curled up, asleep.

that’s the third barn party i’ve fallen asleep at. we’ve only had three. well, i didn’t choose any of them; i refuse to feel guilty.

my prof sat next to me in polisci thru the first group presentation. he asked if i was a senior b/c i had “the senior confidence.” i admitted i was not, and he said, “well, maybe it’s b/c you write those reviews.” later after my group presented he told me we were excellent.

quite flattered, i ran down to meet joel and our film prof for lunch. joel has been taking a bunch of his profs to lunch in our dining hall recently but this was my first time along w/ him, and actually we had a lot of fun, remaining way past the time when normal people left (dining services folks appeared to pry our trays away.) we talked movies of course, and childhood and television and differences b/w europe and america. finally we walked back upcampus together w/ soft-serve cones, discussing gender issues in film and brainstorming women who are portrayed as smart, funny, and sexy.

lots of goodstuff going on or on the horizon tho. harry potter on friday (ben and i already bought tickets). then my friends from home are coming to visit — perhaps two, perhaps as many as four. AND the dsl cables finally arrived that enabled we barnies to hook up our individual computers in our individual rooms. internet! in my room!

also enjoyable: becoming friends w/ elizabeth who is blissfully, unrestrainedly sarcastic, yet sweet. sorelle and maria came over for dinner last nite and we discussed our possible living situation for next year. and rebecca and i had a long in-bedroom talk. those are the best kind but oddly there haven’t been many of them til now. bedrooms were for seclusion. hmm.