home. sick, too, but that’s a recent development. something i ate yesterday disagreed w/ me so violently i was ill all nite so i’ve been sleeping on and off all day. yuck. up til then, though, being home’s been all right. the drive went faster than usual even — adam and i traded bits of insight we gained from the semester, first across the table at a dinner we stopped to have in Springfield Mall (where everyone thought we were dating as everyone generally does because we look nothing alike: the cashier made some cute winkwink comment to adam as we were both scrounging up cash to give him) and then in the car. snap decision when we arrived back in d.c. c.8:30 to see a 9 o’clock showing of lord of the rings; essentially we paused only long enough to throw judah in the trunk and we sped off.

tonite: my mother’s making an elaborate dinner which i won’t be able to eat; tomorrow we see royal tennenbaums and go out to chinese. i’ve never been to an actual christmas celebration. at least i never felt out of it or resentful growing up, although how that was pulled off i’m not sure. merry christmas to those of you who’re inclined that way and happy alternative traditions to the rest.

LAST NITE: sorelle elizabeth brigid kate and sarah c. joined ross and me in sitting in a circle on the floor of the common room playing I Never with wine. we went through two whole bottles and made a dent in a third. pretty tame questions; chill fun; and it didn’t take long for all of us to develop a buzz. i’d never drunk that much wine before. bid farewell to dear brigid who caught that shuttle at 4:20 out of my life for the next 9 months.

back at the barn now, alone. times like these i never know what to think. i don’t know what to expect so i can’t think about what’ll happen next: adam could walk in right now, or in an hour, or he could call and say he got lost. when i get home, i could stay home; or i could call mi girls immediately (lana! who has been rendered incoherent, as far as i can tell from emails and bizarre comments, by the appearance of long-lost summerfolk; nomi! not in new york; liz! should be back from smith already; exhausted; looking for a good heterosexual nondramatic break; etc.) the point is there’re too many possibilities. so i’m sitting stubbornly staring at my stripped bare walls, pretending that nothing but this monitor exists, not the bags behind me, not the prospect of dane-land in front of me. nothing.

towards the end of yesterday i got rather stressed again. emailed myself the wrong version of my paper, had to run back to the barn to send the right one and then dash back to campus to print it out and bring it to bruce who greeted me w/, “where’s the first draft?” i babbled at him for a few minutes and he waved me away. i picked up the form signed by valelly that he’ll be my advisor (yes!!) and dashed to mccabe where i stationed myself at a table where ben had put his stuff and kept my nose more or less in the book for the next couple hours. stat’s impossible. it’s all just formulas that i vaguely understand that have to be applied in terrible frightening word problems about lyme disease and pregnancy-inducement (phil …?) anyway it doesn’t matter. i took the test, declared myself finished when stefanie did and the two of us and susannah barely made it outside before we screamed so loudly kohlberg shook.

this morning sorelle and i drove stefanie to the airport. i’ve spent the rest of the day with people i’m going to miss a lot/ who i really wish i’d met first year/ who make me feel finally completely content in this place. of course i can’t think about it. today i have to packpackcleancleanpack, and say more goodbyes. non-party tonite with no structure and no time frame tonite. much to do before then.

rebecca left this morning around dawn. she had promised to wake me up to say goodbye; instead she stuck her head in my door and said, “ester!” i managed, in my disorientation, to sit up and squint, and she threw something soft and about the size of my palm at me. “bye,” she whispered. “bye,” i whispered. i tossed the palm-size soft thing on my bedtable and immediately fell back to sleep. when i woke up more effectively later i looked over and recognized that it was actually a homemade pillow, about 3 x 3, with a maroon heart on one side and an “E” stiched on the other. it smells good and i know there’s a name for soft palm-sized pillows that smell good but it escapes me at the moment. anyway, she’s gone (bye becca …). joel left yesterday while i was on campus, leaving as a goodbye a note in the bathroom. i’d say we’re an unsentimental bunch except that it’d be a damn lie: as evidence of that, in fact, i have an inscription in my notebook from becca that’s so gooey it sticks to your fingers as you read. in the best way possible.

i’m supposed to be finishing up my history paper which is due at 5. then i have a stat final at 7. briefly this morning i decided to let the stress come crashing in but at lunch i ran into brigid and emilyjacob who calmed me down. now i’m just skating thru, waiting til 10 at which point i’ll be DONE and i’ll return to the barn and swill wine from the bottle w/ anyone interested in joining me. oh and the package mi madre sent me like two weeks finally arrived, containing two items of clothing, both green, one of which ross says defines me as a person. ross and i are the only ones left. wow.

let me know if you’re interested in wine. oh god leaving soon — won’t be back for nine months — that merits a real wow.

i just got back adorably-incredibly-cute pictures, including one fabulous one of the swattie weblogging community (dude, we should get funding) minus jackie, who missed our taboo procrastination session. that was the most successful errand i’ve run today although i’ve gotten a lot done. not skoolwork, of course, but, like i just said to my friend nomi in reference to love, isn’t that totally overrated? … hey, one of those was a non-sarcastic comment: try to guess which!

so one of the things i did do was write and hand in my sophomore paper declaring myself a special-major in AMERICAN STUDIES (ross: “couldn’t you choose something less obvious?” me: “like AMERICANT?” that’d make a great slogan: “never say AMERICANT!”) and a minor in film&media, though after that final yesterday maybe i should rethink that. yikes. in the paper i cited the capital steps as an influence and made reference to the fact that when i was an irritating little nine year old (as opposed to the irritating less-little nineteen year old i’ve become …) i used to pester liz’s father about why he was a republican. i had fun writing it, although naturally not as much fun as ben had writing his.

hey! my brother adam got accepted into his study abroad program in sydney. talk about last minute — they’d been stringing him along. it’s finally official.

ross and co. are going carroling tonite. i guess i’ll be staying in and writing history or studying stat. ho ho ho! … bastards. i suppose i deserve it: i did watch most of rushmore yesterday w/ becca and then the incredibly true adventure of two girls in love which was exactly as good as the title would suggest. (me: “is it really true?” elizabeth: “yes, ester. it’s a documentary.”) i wasn’t allowed to laugh or make snide comments cause everyone around me was transfixed and near tears. ah well.

just took a blah film final. my consolation that is it wouldn’t have been any less blah if i had studied, which i didn’t; i opted for personal contact instead (come on, isn’t that what college is really for? the classes are just a front. they’re there to dupe your parents into consenting to spend $120,000 so that you can spend four years away from them being influenced by and influencing thousands of kids your own age.) i regret nothing. last nite i went to our last co|motion meeting where we exchanged Secret Beacon of Light gifts. stefanie’s for elizabeth was by far the most extravagant and funny. it was a large box with a note that read, “for when your father or grandmother come to call” and played on elizabeth’s fear that either of those people discover that she is an agnostic lazy queer.

stefanie had filled the box with evidence to the contrary: schedules detailing elizabeth’s daily grind including “meeting with platonic girl-friends” and “straight pride meeting. make signs: Straight is Great! etc.”; letters — one from a boy tearfully professing his love and, moreover, his respect for her decision to only date within her faith; another from a prof commending her on her stellar work but advising, “for the sake of your health, please get some sleep”; and pictures of hot boyz to hang on her walls.

nothing’s getting to me recently. not finals stress, not sudden co|motion crisis (we’ve been informed only 5 of us can actually be counselors this summer), not leaving, not not-skiing, not break. yesterday ben and i celebrated having weathered tenmonthsofwhat by sliding down a flight of stairs on our butts the way i used to when i was little. i’ve had a lot of great conversations with people recently and i’m feeling very love-radiant. incredibly, nothing else matters

oh boy oh boy, sophomore paper, ho! i’m still waiting on this silly package mi madre sent me. it was supposed to arrive like a week ago and i’m anxious, mostly b/c i’m craving distraction. my options are:

1) continuing the process of photo albuming (sorta a “best of …” thing b/c the album i got has a very limited number of pages)

2) continuing my sophomore paper (abandoning the honors idea, as nori advised [if you can call that kind of fury ‘advisement’. sheisse! i had no idea it was such a contentious subject. but it’s not just her: i’ve inquired of six people in a row and each has told me the same thing: no, you crazy wench. i think i’m getting the hint.]) ben advises only 2 seminars — anyone else have thoughts on that?

3) studying for my film final tomorrow. … nah

4) writing my history paper (due wednesday.) … yeah right. i put my the energy, effort and creativity into the Mill-iad. i have none left over for some dinky actual assignment, y’know, the kind that doesn’t involve rhyming “condemn misses” with “nemesis.” hey. how clever is that? (christ, i’m channeling elizabeth …)

5) beginning to take apart my room, the very idea of which nearly makes me cry. oh dear. must think of something else; must distract self … see #1

hello blogger; good morning. how’d you sleep? a little late in the day to finally roll out of bed, isn’t it, blogger? well, that’s all right, i understand; it is finals period after all. i do wish you hadn’t eaten my last two attempted entries — no, no, not too angry. don’t worry, darling *blows blogger a kiss*

i found a maggot on a piece of chocolate i was eating this afternoon. i shrieked and threw the thing across the room. i cite this as example of why the spark’s gender test has now decided i’m a woman after all. they’re even 80% sure. last year they were 86% sure i was a man. of course last year i would have been just as likely to throw a piece of food with a maggot curled up on the top of it across the room but maybe that part of me was more repressed then.

becca on the phone this morning said, referring to her autiography, “it’s a sad, sad story. about why i’m sad.” priceless.

and am i the only one who thinks segway is the best invention evereverever? and can’t wait to see millions of senior citizens zooming their way around cities? and advertisers sheepishly, grudgingly, teeth-grittedly revamping their campaign from “cool new gadget for kids!” to “helps arthritics get around! free with AARP membership!”? heh heh heh

i’ve been up a whole 2 hours and i’ve yet to start my movie (chungking express, a wong kar-wai film which was the one of the best i saw over the summer; and as i was renting them five at a time that’s not saying nothing. funny: i guess i must have seen about 50 but not that many made an impression on me. happiness definitely did; network and bonnie and clyde (mmm faye dunaway); breaking the waves and hilary and jackie (mmm, emily watson); lock stock and snatch (mmm guy ritchie) … what else? i’ll have to look back. to be fair, some of my rentals i’d seen before. classics like harold and maude earned a new, deeper place in my heart. well. i’m babbling. moving on.)

ross gave me a roches’ album for hannukah whose sentimental value i didn’t immediately get, and rebecca knit me a magenta kerchief i immediately donned. i dreamt that ben brought me a blank card and was going to be fill it in but couldn’t find a pen. finally did laundry yesterday. yay! finally to watch movie.

wow oh wow. i just handed in the Mill-iad (how’s THAT for a title?). ross came up w/ the idea like two minutes ago that we record me reading it aloud on the same cd on which he’s recorded his and blair’s musical, Fall River! so we’re going to do that as well and hand that part in tomorrow. at this point i couldn’t even care less if it satisfies the prof. i’m psyched that i’ve done it (7 parts, 5 pages, single-spaced, with a stanza from the canterbury tales Prologue of the Wife of Bath as an introduction.) it made my mother cry. everything makes my mother cry — but still.

anyway we chilled in kohlberg for a couple hours, then persuaded sarah and addie to accompany us back to the barn where we listened to the best mp3 list of folk music you could imagine, greeted elizabeth, who had the good sense to show up, and demonstrated various talents. sarah k., for example, has a killer hand-llama routine. possibly the cutest thing ever. rebecca came in and joined us at some point and after the co|mo girls left, she and i sat up talking until 5:30 a.m. about things we should have discussed months ago. ross and joel joined us around 4:30 because what we were discussing what relevant to them and the barn as a whole.

hugs all around, followed by sleep.

interrupted briefly by a knock at 6 a.m. and a sheepish ben. what a bunch of ridiculous folks we are. real sleep tonite. oh boy!