esterbloom.com

wrenched awake at 4 a.m. by the 2nd in a series of nights-of-nightmares, i write a poem:

body image in two parts

I. what the letter from the interviewer should have said

“… So I’m in africa now, a finger

of the peace corps (ha ha) and got

a copy of our paper. It’s sad to be an alum,

but terrific to see that an interviewee I picked not just

got into school but flourished there!

“I remember when you walked in in

your Arden B suit crisp as plastic packaging,

a zipper clamping the 2 halves of your chest

together like a pacemaker scar, the skirt short

and to the point. Your mother bought that suit

for you in celebration when you traded in a permit

for a license, and with it a body.

“I don’t believe you

the lady behind the window said, whose job it was

to record the numbers. Nobody loses 15 pounds

in a year. You tried to smile as though you’d gone

for a walk everyday with half a pound or so hidden

in the denin by your ankle, and shaken it out in the woods,

like people tunnelling from prison dispose of dirt.

“At 16, or maybe earlier, your mother

wouldn’t let you leave your room in shorts

argument: but J and N wear shorts this short!

retort: when you work out, and have legs as nice

as J and N, you can too.

“Flash-further-back: a child stands before a mirror

as colorful and round as she, delighted. Look mom!

she says, lifting her shirt to her armpits. I have a tummy!

Mom says, that�s cause you don�t exercise.

“You spared the skeptic at the window these stories,

and others: of rationing your cereal, flake

by flake; of sugarless gum by the mouthful; of your

oldertaller brother�s shirts that became

your mobile home; of black, the shade of self-pity,

your pirate flag. You didn’t mention to the woman

the actual number was 20, not 15.

Embarrassed, on the permit form, you’d lied.

“But I gotta say, the suit

suited. It did its work. I was impressed. Those legs!

Not long by any means, the shoes helped; a nice shape

though, trimmed from finally learning not to run

just one mile but two. The contacts, the gel � we like

these here at Swarthmore College, even if we say we don�t

(don�t worry about makeup though, that�s

where we draw the line)

“reading your review, I�m glad

you fit in so well. Obscure Chinese films

don�t make their way down here too often, but

it this one does, I’ll be sure to go and think

of you! and hold onto that suit, I gotta tell ya

I can’t tell where you�d be without it.”

II. Heather’s suggestion

a cruise ship! Spend the day in oslo; To and From,

with all your friends, at night,

only $130 including dinner!

I arrived early, curious; satisfied myself there was

nothing to do (the other passengers:

sullen families with small children and a convention

of the disabled) but drink, and stocked up

with my friends at the Duty Free

everyone mobbed the banquet room

at dinner time, figuring at least a buffet could amuse

for a while. as soon

as we sat down, we felt the waves

will they stop? we finally asked a steward once

we�d equalled the pallor of our beans. Oh, around dawn,

he said with the determined-cheerful air of one

who is paid not to apologize. There are pills

if you need them

steaming plates of shellfish, abandoned

waves of cheap alcohol crashed

inside, treble to the rocking bass of the ship

I landed on the bottom floor, told the movement

was less moving there, body pressed against it

like a forehead to a cold wet cloth

On the way Back from oslo, we were grimly

prepared. to begin with, we skipped dinner, 3 of my

girl friends and I, slipping instead through a back entrace

into the sauna. we stripped in the locker room, I

determined to be as unself-conscious as my lovely

friend heather, whose idea this was, though

I’d only been publically naked once before

in my post-puberty life, and that was at night

ready? we asked each other, and

went in, peeling off our towels and affixing ourselves,

stamps on envelopes, to the white benches.

on cue, the boat began to sway / we

began to sweat. we rocked

together, breathing deeply. no one spoke.

I noticed the others’ tidy breasts but didn�t dwell.

We lingered

longer than was wise, perhaps, nursed

by nakedness, inured by nakedness, somehow,

against nausea. we showered quickly

and decided to dash to our rooms to avoid

the sickening sight of the everywhere sick. As we

left the sauna, immediately, we passed a boy who paused

a thoughtful moment, then sprayed the carpet

hurry, hurry �

we made it to our rooms

and locked the doors. my usually feeble,

unshowcased stomach and I, that night,

made each other proud.