CONSUMERISM 101: A Lecture in Dialogue Form
Part One: Using the Internet
me: so, [little brother whose name is omitted to avoid the threat of prosecution], there’s this program that i kind of want a copy of —
him: what’s it called?
me: well, i don’t remember, but i can —
him: no problem.
[pause]
me: no, see, i think this one’s difficult cuz it requires you to use the cd —
him and my older brother, also present: [fall down laughing.]
[laughter continues for five minutes.]
him: oh no! not a CD!!
my older brother: man! that means i can’t use any of the 5,000 games i play that REQUIRE YOU TO USE THE CD!!
[laughter for another five minutes. finally both boys wipe their eyes.]
him: yeah, i think i can do that for you.
[later …]
him: i got the most recent version. is that all right?
sheesh. nowadays pirates may be more useful, but they’re far less sexy.
Part Two: Used Books
i went to 2nd Story to rid myself of novels that clutter my bookshelf and remind me of the loathing they first inspired in me.
the clerk took three in exchange for a $5 store credit.
me: why not the others? just out of curiousity.
him: we’re not buying much fiction right now. except mysteries: in the summer, people read mysteries. and this [holding up waiting] we have too many copies of already.
me: that’s cuz it sucked.
he: [looking at me with new respect] right. and this, [holding up i know this much is true] we can’t buy cuz it has this oprah’s book club sticker on it. sometimes we can buy books that were on the list, but none that actually have the sticker. no one wants them.
me: how ironic.
him: tell me about it.