my contact launched itself out of my eye this morning with the determination of a suicide. i managed to catch it, and holding it in my hands i wept over it. within moments it had shriveled and lay pathetically, unnaturally twisted in my palm. as i despaired, intern sam walked by. i explained my predicament: i had no solution with which to revive the lens, yet i could hardly simply insert it back into my eye.
sam surveys the area (“like superman” says sam). aha! a beacon of hope in the form of the heritage foundation, an ultra-rightist “think” tank. (their link to “best conservative movies” takes you here. carnal knowledge in the top ten? ghostbusters? animal farm?? come on, someone seriously missed the point of that story… ) i’d always wanted an excuse to go in, sez sam, so shrugging, and still cradling my every-moment-fading contact, we stride into the lobby. through my one working eye i got a very strong impression of gilt and marble. no sambo dolls or wellstone voodoo dolls or ayn rand posters in plain view: that’s a start.
i explained my predicament once more to the man at the desk, who called another fella elsewhere in the building, who arrived with a bottle of solution before you can say “welfare reform.” everyone was as kind as could be. by the time i returned from there also not-visibly-white-supremacist bathroom, a jolly lady had joined the helpful man at the desk, and as sam and i bowed and left she carolled blessings after us: “bye now. have a great day. have a great weekend!”
it was a miracle. i could see clearly again, thanks to our friends at Heritage.