i got all moody this evening when liz jay and i went to umd to tuck lana into her new life. actually she needed no help from us. unexpectedly, her room has sufficient space for four people — it’s light blue and they’ve done a sweet job decorating and aside from the lack of air-conditioning, it seems very functional. jamie was there to meet us too. she and lana both seemed very settled. nomi joins them tomorrow.
i’m not sure why i got upset. maybe it was just the whole summer’s-ending thing. it was a damn good summer. one can be relatively certain about the past and just as certain that there are no guarantees for the future. i don’t know why i’m so timid. it’ll be different! it’ll be new! it’ll be exciting! but when i look beyond tomorrow morning (packing car, driving off) all i see is white space. a page to be filled in and not-so-much by me.
bah. at least i’m not too stressed from packing: i’ve pretty much got everything under control. the only thing is i don’t remember what size bed i have in my room so i don’t know what size sheets, comforter, &c. to bring. i tried calling but the phone isn’t plugged in yet (note to all thinking of contacting me by phone: call the cell. i’ll have it w/ me and yes, i remembered to pack the recharger so it’ll continue to work and continue and continue like that goddamned energizer bunny.) speaking of bunnies, that’s something to look fwd to — i talked to him tonite; he tried to calm me down. futile. but fun. 🙂 he advised finding something to punch.
it’ll be okay. everything always is.
i have the liz phair song stuck in my head: “go on ahead”:
You go on ahead, honey
You have a good time there
You make me feel funny
I’m no ordinary lover or friend
I believe we have things to do
I believe in myself and I believe in you
I believe when I sleep you are near to me
I believe when you sleep I am near to you
You walk out of the room with your hands so deep in your pockets, I don’t
Recognize you
You say you’re a ghost in our house and I realize I do think I see through you
It’s a death in our love that has brought us here
It’s a birth that has changed our lives
It’s a place that I hope we’ll be leaving soon
And I fear for the year in his eyes
And it goes around in circles: one night is lovely, the next is brutal
And you and I are in way over our heads with this one, it’s hard
To admit it, but you hold me and I can’t feel you
We hurt but we smile
I promise I’ll make it back when the summer has warmed me awhile
hmm, i’ve done much quoting recently …
anyway, til i can update again, everyone, have a wonderful nite and a last few wonderful moments of summer.