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Same old shit. I mean ‘sith’! ‘Sith!’

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Whatsits may or may not have been the cause of my vomiting what looked like pomegranite juice but felt like battery acid this afternoon. Who’s to say? (Or as Yoda would put it, “To say, who is?” That wacky Yoda.)

You can blame me for thinking that because I felt well enough this morning to attempt such a rousing and ennobling cultural event, I should go. I blame myself. I just blame George Lucas also. How has he managed to forget so entirely and completely that what makes the old Star Wars movies enjoyable is the humor? I know that’s what kept me watching: Harrison Ford bantering with Carrie Fisher. They’re so cute and badass at the same time! Who cares about sissy Luke?

Well, George Lucas cares, that’s who, enough to make two humorless, self-serious disasters and now a third that’s, frankly, pretty mediocre, all about sissy Luke and how he got here. Ugh. And I tried to like it! Unfortunately, as the Jedi say, “Do or do not: there is no ‘try’.” So I did: I disliked the film, right from the supposed climax where Anakin bends to the dark side — except it’s not so much a climax as as the point where you grab your hair and squint at the screen and splutter, “What?! WHY?” That scene, which had such potential, was so poorly thought-through as to be insulting.

Sigh. I hope Sissy Luke’s happy now that his family’s dirty laundry is waving in the breeze for 120 million to goggle at: his dad’s schizophrenia and creepy yellow eyes, his obsession with cutting off hands; his loony passive mom, her hairdos, her stilted delivery.

In the end, sadly, I just didn’t care. I liked Ewan McGregor and the other Jedi. But as my mother would say, “These are the smart ones?” How come they were so surprised that the scary old guy right in front of their noses was the scary old guy they were looking for? Why didn’t any of them put together that Padme might be pregnant by the stud she was shacked up with and that the pregnancy — and its “secrecy” — might be messing with young Skywalker’s mind?

The word ‘sith’ reminds me of that joke from the Muppets movie where Kermit goes, “That’s a myth! Myth!” and a woman next to him replies “Yeth?” Yeah. That’s a way better movie than this one.