Since I am not planning to watch this gross disfigurement of a series I had real affection for, my only enjoyment out of its existence comes from creating a Bad Review Revue*:

Dodai at Jezebel starts us off right with an augmented montage of stills:

Salon gets its digs in twice-over:
1) “This movie might as well be set in Czarist Russia or on the Ice-Diamond Planet of K’Znorg, for all the realism it provides.” — Andrew O’Hehir
2) “It’s like the cinematic progeny of “Not Without My Daughter” and “Arabian Nights” with a makeover by Valentino.” — Wajahat Ali

“The film is an epic eyesore. It’s as if they set out to make a movie that said, ‘You’re right! We are hideous!'” — David Edelstein

“Sex And The City 2 panders to that audience to the point of self-destruction, squandering whatever goodwill the franchise had left after the first so-so movie by plopping its beloved characters into a series of garish vignettes that throw their shallowness into sharp relief. By the point where proud, menopausal jezebel Samantha stands shrieking in the middle of a Middle Eastern marketplace while waving magnum condoms and flipping off hijab-clad Muslims on their way to prayer, it’s inconceivable that anyone would want to even be in the presence of “a Samantha,” much less be one.” — Onion AV Club

“David: What did you think???
Neel: I thought it was perhaps the worst movie I’ve seen in the past three years.
Neel: Like, I am having a hard time thinking of something I hated more. You were sitting next to me. How many times do you think I checked my BlackBerry?
David: My cellphone battery was dead by the end of the movie.
Neel: The over/under would probably start at 50 times?
Neel: It was epically, cosmically, comically bad.
Neel: Actually not comically bad. There was nothing even remotely funny about its badness.”

— the Awl

And finally:

“Bitchtar” — NYPost

God, this makes me sad. I have a feeling this one will resist even parody.

*Original credit for which must go to Matthew Baldwin.