esterbloom.com

it’s FITZMAS and Santa delivers

America has a new hero. We tip our collective fedora to you, Former US Attorney from Chicago; you are a fine example of the sort of tough, principled and well-spoken men we weren’t sure we had many of anymore.

Sure, we ragged on you a little when you insisted that Judy go to prison — what about the 1st Amendment?, we cried: Won’t someone please think of the 1st amendment? — but now that it turns out even her paper thinks she’s a twat, and further now that we know that prison did nothing to chip away at her twattiness (twaticity?), we agree that you made the right choice. I hope someone keeps her foam mattress warm for her friend in tree poetry Scooter L.

We don’t even mind, really, that you steadfastly refuse to talk about anything “beyond the four corners of the investigation,” even as we salivate over mental images of a federal agent forcing Karl to kneel in his flower bed and slapping cuffs on Karl’s pale, delicate wrists. Restraint is admirable. You keep us in check, Fitz. Following your example, we stick to the facts: Dick Cheney’s chief of staff, who is also a senior advisor to the president, stands accused of five crimes. Even Ken Starr, for all his tireless work, could get eke out two.

Jail time, assuming Scooter is convicted, ranges from 0 to 50 years. Judge’s choice. But that will never happen. We can all smell plea bargain when it wafts through the autumn air, can’t we, Fitz? It bears no resemblance at all to pumpkin.

We praising the name of the Lord, Fitz, and you should know your name is also on our lips. You are our Ambassador of Coin, to coin a phrase. You are our Moses, bringing us to the border of the Land of Republican Downfall — even more so for being so apolitical about your responsibilities. You give us a straight face to hide our glee behind. Thank you for your two years of service to this country.