esterbloom.com

extended scream

did you know that newyork.craigslist.com (as opposed to the real new york craiglist) is a porn site? that’s intense. you know you’ve made it when someone creates a near-miss copy of your site featuring a vixen with a vibrator.

anyhoo, here i am! home. this weekend was super intense and at the same time weirdly emotionless. i think i was unable to comprehend the significance of anything, which is why i didn’t get sick & didn’t cry except for a moment, sunday afternoon, when my mom sent me to say goodbye to folks while she finished packing my stuff. i wandered around campus, unable to locate anyone, and sobbed.

three feasts, each lasting three-and-a-half hours or more, with my entourage of 15 or 16 well-wishers, swallowed large chunks of the weekend. but not in a bad way: i love my family and it was moving to see everyone assembled. for me, too! the following dialogue occurred at any pause in the conversation:

someone: so, graduate! do you feel different?

me: nope

someone: … how bout now?

i still don’t feel different, or anything really, so don’t ask. i’m not tense, overwhelmed, anxious, excited, happy, nostalgic, or maudlin. the reality hasn’t hit me. i’m a graduate, and never has postmodernism felt so apt. schizophrenia: perpetual present: that’s how i feel. no future, no past. here i am, in the moment. home.