i wonder whether “torn” or “mixed” is the right word for what i’m feeling. “torn” brings up unwelcome memories of that not-even-written-by-her natalie umbruglia [sic cuz i’m too damn lazy] song. but “mixed” doesn’t hit the passionate note i’m striving for. i’d use “ambivalent,” referencing v. redgrave’s speech in girl, interrupted, which, if prompted, i could quote at length (“on the contrary, ambivalence implies very strong feelings indeed …”) but i think the connotative meanings would be lost on possibly the majority of folks who haven’t seen that movie. you slackers you.
my point of course is that it’s a beautiful day. and i mean by world standards. i mean indisputably. okay, maybe it’s a little too breezy, so even while sitting in the sunshine you must continue to readjust — pull sweatshirt on; push up sleeves; take sweatshirt off; repeat. but imperfection accentuates true perfection, like the age old example of cindy crawford’s mole. it’s a beautiful day. people are zipping by on their bikes, including, now, the fire-engine-red free ones. people are laughing. i wanted quite badly to blow off my last class — of this semester, of DIS, ever — and sit on the square with representatives of all of copenhagen and drink smirnoff ice while i can still buy it, hassle-free, and consume it in public. i want to walk around taking pictures of everything i’m going to miss. maybe i’ll do that this weekend. i don’t know whether i want to go home. on the other hand, i don’t know whether i want to stay.
on a more immediate, practical level, i don’t know whether i want to go see GWTW tomorrow at the dfi even if i can’t find accompaniment (should there be a g in that word?) oh the cruelty of indecision. i’m glad in some ways that, as to some things, i simply don’t have a choice.