returned to the barn to a squealing mass of lanajamie which attacked me on the stairs. (why do people insist they look alike? louisa assumed they were dating) somehow we made it into the apartment, played musical beds until lanajamie and i settled into ross’s bed w/ ben on the couch. saturday morning, we woke at 10:30 and immediately started talking; after a couple hours, we were ready to meet the day, and, adopting becca’s friend geoff b/c (swat)becca was busy and ill, drove into philly to see (penn)becca. we brunched at morning glory, got a flat tire, watched w/ awe as jamie navigated awkward social situations, laughed a lot, reminisced, bought ben a harmonica in the key of e from a fun, sarcastic clerk, and made it home about 5. just in time to deliver ben his harmonica for the bob dylan concert and split up for two pronged shopping ross and becca had left us to do for the party: jamie and geoff to buy liquor since he’s 21; lana and me to buy groceries. the highlight occurred when we passed a squat, aproned employee saying: “he asked me to marry him. i couldn’t tell if he was serious, and i had just come out of the seizure –”

we brought all the stuff home (like $120 worth, all told,) set it up, and borrowed a tape of My So-Called Life episodes to relax. ross and rebecca returned and made signs of the trivia people had sent w/ their RSVPs, as per instructions. the funniest one i thought was “my parents are 1st cousins.” others were striking or funny too. as (good) folks arrived for the party, they spent much time contemplating them in the hallway. they also ate all the food and drank most of the liquor. butbutbut i’m not a fan of parties: they make me kind of irritated b/c i see lots of people i’d love to see individually but can only speak to superficially for like 10 minutes, max, in that kind of setting. for a while, i drank some and the alcohol propelled me thru a number of such encounters. since jamie and lana were not exactly in their element, they retired to my room and changed into pajamas, and before long i joined them, rather relieved. ben returned, glowing, from dylan. by 12:30 i was curled up, asleep.

that’s the third barn party i’ve fallen asleep at. we’ve only had three. well, i didn’t choose any of them; i refuse to feel guilty.

my prof sat next to me in polisci thru the first group presentation. he asked if i was a senior b/c i had “the senior confidence.” i admitted i was not, and he said, “well, maybe it’s b/c you write those reviews.” later after my group presented he told me we were excellent.

quite flattered, i ran down to meet joel and our film prof for lunch. joel has been taking a bunch of his profs to lunch in our dining hall recently but this was my first time along w/ him, and actually we had a lot of fun, remaining way past the time when normal people left (dining services folks appeared to pry our trays away.) we talked movies of course, and childhood and television and differences b/w europe and america. finally we walked back upcampus together w/ soft-serve cones, discussing gender issues in film and brainstorming women who are portrayed as smart, funny, and sexy.

lots of goodstuff going on or on the horizon tho. harry potter on friday (ben and i already bought tickets). then my friends from home are coming to visit — perhaps two, perhaps as many as four. AND the dsl cables finally arrived that enabled we barnies to hook up our individual computers in our individual rooms. internet! in my room!

also enjoyable: becoming friends w/ elizabeth who is blissfully, unrestrainedly sarcastic, yet sweet. sorelle and maria came over for dinner last nite and we discussed our possible living situation for next year. and rebecca and i had a long in-bedroom talk. those are the best kind but oddly there haven’t been many of them til now. bedrooms were for seclusion. hmm.

yesterday, talking to rebecca’s mom post-dinner (a disabled car forced her to stay an extra night,) she asked what my plans were for next year. i outlined options and pros and cons and she commented, “it really sounds like you want to get to copenhagen.” since that hadn’t been the conscious point of my shpiel, it surprised me a little to hear her say it. truthfully

i waver. on one hand, i’m scared of change, i worry too much, i get depressed w/o sunlight and when i’m too long by myself. on the other — this being the side i’m trying to stress when considering next semester — i’ll be in europe in a beautiful little city that’ll be at least somewhat familiar, i’ll be taking interesting classes, i’ll meet people (?), and i’ll be doing all the things i’m too scared to do, which will feel like an accomplishment. even if that sense of accomplishment won’t be enuf to comfort me exactly during the dark cold lonely hours i spend curled up in a corner.

last nite, rebecca’s mom took rebecca, the two other barnies, stefanie and me to an italian place for dinner. choosing locales is always more frustrating than it needs to be. my only preference is always “please not chinese” altho often that’s what ends up happening. in this case my wish was honored. stef, becca, and i shared vegan pizza (i love how waiters no longer react when you say, “i’d like the 79, only no ham and no cheese”) and the table discussed how views of sex and sexuality are different now than they used to be.

stef ross and i returned to the barn to hypothesize about bob dylan — i boldly put out the opinion that straight men and straight women like dylan b/c they find him sexy in a very heterosexual way, and that accounts for what i perceive to be his smaller popularity in queer circles; ross and stef were skeptical — and rehash old love stories. then we went to elizabeth’s Simpsons premiere party, crowded primarily with staunch supporters who laughed at every joke. elizabeth and i sat next to each other, agreeing quietly that the show is about half as good as it was at its peak. still, it’s almost the only tv worth watching.

gradually the thirty or so folks there (ross called them “nonthreatening”) dispersed, leaving the co|mo girls to finish the leftover food and meet. afterwards, sorelle, stef and i convened in the hallway, joined by elizabeth’s roommates w/ whom i’ve never had substantial interaction, to discuss body image, weight, Weight Watchers, and our parents’ relationships to each other and to us. one specific question: why do people we’re not close to feel the right to comment to us on how we look? … open informative and caring but my headache got stronger around 11 and i had to excuse myself to go back home, knock back some NyQuil, and call it a weekend.