to no one’s surprise, i broke down last nite. left the apartment to keep from exploding at becca; sat on the porch instead, hoping i wouldn’t wake anyone up on the first floor. told myself after a while that i was being ridiculous and wasting time so i made it back upstairs. subsequently broke down again as i searched desperately for my little address/phone book. poor joel who didn’t really know me prior to living w/ me this semester was trying his best to help, following me around the apartment asking helpfully “do you think it could be here?” and “where was the last place you saw it?” as tho i was rational enuf to answer.
i gave up the search, tried lana, left a trembling message, and found myself in the kitchen corner facing the screen door. becca calmed me down enuf to go to sleep. i woke up feeling less outwardly crazy but still an internal mess. little things make me jump. i mistook the time of my class and sat sweating in kohlberg uncomprehending how or why the schedule had changed until jonah explained. made it to poli sci where i faked coherence for an hour. maybe it was the barely-restrained hysteria somehow but it seemed to make more sense today. and he gave me an extention (sort of.) i can hand in the paper after 6 tonite or even tomorrow. i can do that. that pushed the hysteria farther down.
still i’m very much on the brink and the feeling that the folks around me all are too doesn’t help. i want to call people, elsewherefolks who could conceivably be sane, but i still can’t find my phone/address book. so it goes.